Thread by @JennMGreenberg

One "red flag" I see frequently in my teen years is my parents putting me in dangerous situations, or encouraging risky behavior. They were fine with me dating grown men when I was a minor, even if they exhibited dysfunctional behavior or symptoms of substance abuse.

I remember asking them, "Don't you think it's weird for me to date X. I mean, he's 22. Shouldn't I date boys my age?" My dad joked that boys my age couldn't drive or buy me dinner, and X was "safe" because he was gay, and if anything happened, dad said, "I know where he works."

Another guy had severe behavioral problems. At the time, I didn't understand the symptoms I was seeing, but I'm now guessing drug abuse or severe mental illness. He was kicked out of the Marines, had extreme mood swings, depression, anger, and was manipulative and controlling.

He was also at least 21, I think older, but I still remember thinking it weird that my parents wanted their 16 year old daughter to date adult men. It made me feel like they were putting me at risk, but I pushed that fear down and chalked it up to their excuse: I was very mature.

Back then, I used to play gigs at a local coffee shop / bar, and my parents would chaperone me. There was a guy, around 23, who I had a crush on. We'd sit on the porch between sets or after my concert, and chat while he smoked and drank.

I remember noticing he'd get anxious and bounce his knee like a nervous tick. He seemed depressed, and that drew me to him, because I was depressed too. I felt like he'd understand me. One evening, he seemed particularly down, and he confronted me.

He told me I must not get attached to him. He had issues and wasn't a good influence for me, and I needed to find a nice guy who would take care of me.

That actually made me like him more, because I felt like he actually cared about my wellbeing, but we didn't talk much after.

Eventually, against my dad's wishes, I went to college. A guy who police profiled as a "potential serial rapist" started stalking me, but my dad said, "That's what you get going to a big university. If you want to make it in the real world, you need to get used to that."

That issue, coupled with absolutely zero financial or emotional support from my parents, lead me to drop out of college. But it was too late. I'd already met Jason. And my parents did not like him. My mom eventually came around, but my dad forbade us to date.

He even threw me down on the stairs once and banged me up pretty good, threatening me and looking like he'd kill me, because he didn't want me to leave on a date with Jason. I went anyway, but I didn't tell Jason what had happened. I wanted to have a nice date free of stress.

When Jason asked my dad if we could marry, my dad said no, and we married anyway.

And the rest, as they say, is history.

I consider it an act of God that some guy didn't take advantage of me when I was a kid. Many could have. Some tried and failed. It's amazing.

All that to say ...

I think putting kids in risky situations is a red flag for abuse. Encouraging dysfunctional behavior, whether that be sexual activity, drinking, hanging out in bad areas, etc.. can be a way the abuser teaches the victim to accept not feeling safe as normal.

The other "plus" for the abuser is that if the kid gets into trouble, it makes them more dependent upon the abuser. A 16 year old girl who gets pregnant is going to have a lot harder time leaving her broken home. A teenage boy struggling with alcoholism is likewise stuck.

And of course, having your parents encourage this type of behavior or risk-taking results in confusion, depression, anxiety, and a feeling of being unsafe and unloved. So, even if the kid doesn't get into trouble, the abuser uses their fear and insecurity to bully and manipulate.

A kid who feels unloved will be needy
"" who feels unsafe will be desperate for protection
"" who's confused won't trust their gut
"" who's depressed won't value their dignity
"" who's insecure will be easy to manipulate
"" who doesn't know what's normal will accept the abnormal

This is how the psychological abuser works.

They'll use different types of abuse … verbal, violent, sexual, spiritual, etc. to break down their victim's confidence, inhibitions, and self-worth, so they'll be easier to control and less likely to resist or report.