Do you want to hear the story of St Patrick, I’ll tell it here at 9.30 tonight. Please retweet #Paddy
A boat full of Irish pirates pulls up on the coast of Wales -“Story boys, the great Irish king Niall of the Eight Hostages has sent us - we come in peace *snigger, snigger*” #Paddy
Patrick, the son of a Roman, is minding his own business when he spots the approaching Irishmen “Yikes! Pirates” he yells as he legs it. Too late tho, the pirates soon catch him and he finds himself bundled into a boat heading for the Emerald Isle #Paddy
Before he knows it he finds himself on sale at the Dublin Slave market where punters try to outbid each other for him. “Going.... going .... GONE ... sold to this nice pig farmer from Slemish Mountain”
Patrick has gone, in the course of a few days, from the comfort of Wales (🙄) to sharing his dinner with a group of pigs on an Irish mountainside “Story boys?” “Howya” replied the pigs #Paddy
“It is hard for me” says the pre-Saint “to discern God’s purpose in brining me to this awful place - no offense lads” “None taken” reply the pigs #Paddy
For 7 years he remains on the mountain minding his pigs. One morning Patrick calls the pigs over “I think I’m going to escape” “We’ll miss you” giggled the pigs “but good luck, or as we’d say in Irish ‘Bord na Mona” “Ah” says “that’s lovely, bord na Mona to you too” #Paddy
Patrick makes his way 200 miles south where he manages to get a boat home to Wales “Howya Mammy!” “Where have you been son” “Ireland” “Was it nice” “Horrible, I won’t be going there again” “Pa...at...rick” says voice “Is that you God” “Sure is, I have a little job for you” #Paddy
“You can not be serious.... go back to Ireland? Ah come on”. THE pre-saint is horrified. “It won’t be too bad” said God “you won’t have to mind any more pigs ... oh yea ... you know that bord na mona thing...” #Paddy
Patrick makes his reluctant way back to Ireland. He weights up his options: Patron Sainthood = good: Possible martyrdom = not so good: Parades = good: Druids = not so good. Converts = good; Pagans = necessary for converts. Patrick has mixed feelings #Paddy
He lands at Colpa - the River Boyne and hastily converts as many pagans as he can find. “Come on boys, we are heading for Tara, there is a high king there that needs converting” #Paddy
“Ya see that hill ” said the converts “Thats Slane, it’s not far to Tara and IMHO - an excellent place to light a fire” “Good idea” said Pat “We’ll light a gigantic one for the craic” “For the what” asked the converts “Craic.. you know .. fun” “Ye Welsh fellows are gas” #Paddy
“Yo, Highking” said the Highkings servant to the Highking “ somebody is after lighting a gigantic fire over at Slane “How very dare they” said the Highking “and me going to light one later, this is very irregular, call my Druids” #Paddy
A war party of Druids, highkings, Kings, subking’s and lesser Kings plus warriors, nobles, scribes, historians, genealogists, cooks, astologers, bookies and gossipmongers make their way to Slane “Story?” They ask “what’s with this fire - cad e leis am time” #Paddy
“Is there a problem” asks the Saint “yes” responded 200 voices “you are not allowed light any fire” “why not?” “Only the king can light one” “why?” “Yes ..... why king?” “Tradition?” chances the King “Yes.. tradition said everyone “put out your fire” #Paddy
“You are invited to join us for a celebration of paganism at Tara tomorrow, please come alone, unarmed” Said the king, winking at his warriors. “Oh yea...alone” smiles everyone. “Thanks very much” said the Saint “Seems like a nice fellow” says Pat after the king has gone #Paddy
In the morning Pat makes his way towards Tara. He sees warriors approaching “Howyis”. The warriors reply with fierce battle cries and expressive oaths. “To be safe” said the Saint “I think I will change ourselves into deers” *Kapow” “Where’d they go” wondered the warriors #Paddy
Pat arrives at Tara. “Did you see any warriors” asked the king “Dear, oh dear” replied the Saint wryly “Would you like to be converted?” “No” said the king “I’m happy being a pagan” “Christianity is an excellent religion” continued the Saint. “No, I’m grand” said the king #Paddy
“Let me explain” said the Saint “do you see this shamrock?” “What about it” “three leaves” “well strictly one leaf with three little things on it - and anyway it looks a bit like a clover” “No, it’s a shamrock - three Devine people .....” “Get outa here” said the king #Paddy
“Ah will you listen” pleaded the Saint “3 Devine people in 1....” “is this a joke, Pat” interipts the king. “Now you are being sacrilegious, God the father, God the son and God the Hol..... oh forget it, I’ll fight you instead” “Now yo’re talking” #Paddy
“Me and you .... outside” said Patrick “hold on” said the king “let’s not be rash - could we not have a magic fight instead of a real fight?” “Name your weapons” said Pat “Druids!” said the king “Well I’ll use God” said Pat #Paddy
In the rather one sided fight that followed the Druids were incinerated by the power of the merciful creator “Holy moly” said the king “I’m impressed! Get out your holy water and shamrocks, I’ll have some of that” #Paddy
And so the high king of Tara was converted to Christianity “You know this incineration stuff” said the king to Pat “how does it work” “Snakes” exclaimed the National Saint “Yikes” cried the king “Where” “can I borrow your biggest wagon” asked the Saint #Paddy
The triumphant National Saint drives around The country ordering all the snakes to climb into the back of his wagon. “What are we going to do with all them snakes” ask the nervous horses “We are going to drive them out of Ireland” “Of course” replied the horses #Paddy
And that is the full story of how St Patrick (1) minded pigs (2) lit fires (3) converted the pagan Irish and (4) drove the snakes out of Ireland #Paddy
Enjoy St Patrick’s Weekend!
Enjoy St Patrick’s Weekend!
