Thread by @HNIJohnMiller

1) September 30, 2017.

The oval office.

Jim Jordan are sitting on the couches in the oval office when Trump walks in. "Sup future speaker. Sup Wheels," he says nodding.

Jordan raises an eyebrow as Scalise busts out laughing and responding, "What's up Peach Cobbler."

2) "Hold up, hold up, Peach Cobbler? The hell?" Jordan asked confused.

"Oh, Donald and I made a bet," Scalise explained, "on who could leak a story CNN would run with. His was the two scoops of ice cream story. Mine was that Secret Service saw him fucking a peach cobbler."

3) They'd probably run the peach cobbler story now, dumb fuckers," Trump said chuckling as he sat across from them. "Anyways, down to business. What have you devious fuckers got for me?"

4) "Tax cuts. Ryan's still hiding in his office crying. The usual. But.... listen, boss. About this Blue Wave the Dems keep talking about-" Trump holds up his hand to cut Jim off.

"Let them keep talking about it. Hell, ENCOURAGE them to talk about it"

5) Jordan and Scalise were both taken aback. "Wait, what?" Jordan asked as a realization dawned on Scalise's face.

"You want them to over commit and think they've already won."

Trump grabbed his diet coke off the table and raised it to Scalise.

6) "Exactly. If they think they might have to actually fight for it, they're going to taper down the bullshit, gag their idiots, and pretend to be something resembling sane and reasonable. Hell, they might even cooperate on some of the agenda... then win 2018, and undo it all."

7) Scalise grinned. "But if they think they already have it in the bag, then they're going to be uncooperative little shits for the next year, and go so far left in their primaries they'll scare the piss out of everyone."

8) "Bingo. We get all the uncooperative assholes like Flake, Ryan, and Corker to quit... How'd the Ryan thing go Jim? You said he's still crying in his office?"

Jim shrugged. "I mean... you said put a broken My Little Pony doll on his desk, and as soon as I did, he broke down."

9) "Creepy Brony motherfucker. Did you know that his name is in the House sexual harassment fund for getting way too hands-on with one of the Capitol Police's horses? Gonna be glad when he's gone," Scalise muttered.

10) "Anyways, we clear them out, we get the Dems to self-implode, and with their own bullshit polling that we won't contest, they'll think they're winning... right up 'til they lose. I hear they even have some jackass named Beta or some shit they're going to run in Texas."

11) "A guy named Beta? In TEXAS? They... they have no self awareness," Jim shuddered as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Hey, just out of curiosity, where's the quiet guy that's always hanging around?" Scalise asked, looking around the Oval Office curiously.

12) "Oh, @fridgeintern? He has a... special assignment. Someone's trying to jump the gun on one of my little distractions and needs to be delayed a bit."

In the skies above New York, Fridge Intern falls gracefully, his mind set on the mission at hand, high-tech goggles zeroed in

13) Spotting the shining bald target, Fridge pulls forth an elongated straw, and puts a special pill in his mouth, chewing it up as he puts the straw to his lips...

14) In the street below, setting a perfect busy New York street backdrop for a news interview, Michael Avenatti and Stormy Daniels sit ready in front of CNN cameras. Right as the red light turns on to show they're live...

15) What appears to be a massive glob of bird shit hits Avenatti square on the crown of his head. "Fuck! Fuck! Stop! Cut!" Yells the producer.

"BUT WE'RE LIVE!"

"THEN CUT THE DAMN FEED!"

16) "Meanwhile, Avenatti is rolling on the ground. "OH GOD ITS IN MY MOUTH! IT TASTES LIKE WET STORMY!!!"

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID I TASTED GREAT?!"

"I LIED! IT TASTES LIKE SHIT AND 3 DECADES OF REGRET!!!! OH GOD ITS SO SALTYYYYYY"

/end