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9 tweets,
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1/ This argument works only if you believe the EU position is founded on the belief the UK is bluffing about its willingness to leave without a deal.
Let's think about that, for a moment, shall we?
Let's think about that, for a moment, shall we?
2/
** March 28th 2019, 23:40 **
Juncker looks out over the English channel. There! Outlined against the night sky. The magnificent forms of Seaborne Freight ferries warming up their engines. He's underestimated the will of the British people.
** March 28th 2019, 23:40 **
Juncker looks out over the English channel. There! Outlined against the night sky. The magnificent forms of Seaborne Freight ferries warming up their engines. He's underestimated the will of the British people.
3/ He tries to reach PM May. but oppressive EU regulations mean his assistant left hours ago for a compulsory gay marriage to an illegal immigrant.
Desperate, he twitter DM's Boris Johnson, who agrees to negotiate but only in the Telegraph & for 6000 pounds per word.
Desperate, he twitter DM's Boris Johnson, who agrees to negotiate but only in the Telegraph & for 6000 pounds per word.
4/ "Help me, Boris! Save me from your fridge stockpiles!" pleads Juncker, Luxembourgishly.
"What about the Irish border? The Indivisibility of the four freedoms?" asks Sir Johnson wryly, taking the call as he poses for the sculpting of yet another Churchillian bust.
"What about the Irish border? The Indivisibility of the four freedoms?" asks Sir Johnson wryly, taking the call as he poses for the sculpting of yet another Churchillian bust.
5/ "Mere trifles," scoffs Juncker, "you know as well as I the long term future of the EU will only be strengthened if we very publicly throw a smaller EU Member State under le bus after repeatedly vowing not to!"
6/ "If only we had prepared," Juncker thinks to himself bitterly, as Boris mulls his new offer: complete, friction-less access to the EU forever, no strings attached, and every Daily Mail reader permitted annually to punch the EU Commissioner of their choosing.
7/ "Yes." responds Johnson out loud, his titanic intelligence having long since morphed into telepathy. "you Commission nerds really dropped the ball when you failed to do any preparation, like say, releasing exhaustive No-Deal Preparedness Notices a year ago."
8/ Juncker, a broken man, can only nod. He is a victim of politics. Brexit was just too sensitive on the continent, with hyper-political discourse dominating every newspaper and broadcast.
If only the EU27 had largely ignored it, the way the calm and united British public had!
If only the EU27 had largely ignored it, the way the calm and united British public had!
9/ Ten minutes of grovelling later, the deal is agreed and Juncker puts his phone down, relieved but utterly defeated.
A heartbeat later, it rings.
"Hello..?"
"Comrade Jean-Claude? It's Jeremy Corbyn. I want to talk about trains..."
/end
A heartbeat later, it rings.
"Hello..?"
"Comrade Jean-Claude? It's Jeremy Corbyn. I want to talk about trains..."
/end
