Thread by @misstozak

@JackPosobiec Oh for goodness sakes.
Here's what y'all need to do.
Nothing has changed since time began.

@JackPosobiec HOW TO LIVE FOREVER
The government, the AMA, science & your Aunt Matilda
Have a long list of instructions
After studying the human construction
Each one has drawn their own conclusion
How to be healthy & live almost forever
But when put alltogether may cause mass confusion

@JackPosobiec One day eggs are bad, the next day they are good
One day you shouldn’t exercise too hard, the next day you most definitely should
Today they say chemicals cause cancer
Tomorrow they may say chemicals prevent it
Everyday someone somewhere comes up with a totally different answer

@JackPosobiec Read the news, you’ll see it’s true
Nothing’s very good for you
For more than a minute
A study just conducted came up with a new food pyramid
Nothing was wrong with the old one
But Atkins came and took our Krispy Kremes away
Then replaced donuts with bacon fat

@JackPosobiec If he hadn’t passed away
He should’ve been put immediately in jail for that
(Sorry Dr. Atkins, I don’t mean to be rude
But I don’t like anyone playing with my food)
One day there will be no pyramid at all
Everything will be all lumped together in a giant sugar cube

@JackPosobiec Food is only part of the equation
(Along with all the anti-oxidants)
For me the most important group
Is the category of intoxicants
Caffeine will keep you up and thinking
Red wine keeps bad cholesterol at bay
But don’t indulge in too much drinking

@JackPosobiec You may have one glass of alcohol a day
Not two
Two of anything is never good for you
Unless you’re Noah,
then it’s important to multiply the protozoa
Oh, no! Here I’m making this long list
I can’t believe there’s still a hundred items I have missed!

@JackPosobiec After even the most hectic day
Following every single one of these damn rules each step of the way
Wearing your pedometer and your heart monitor
Taking vitamins & going to the gym
Buying only fresh produce
And juicing your own juice

@JackPosobiec Spending quality time with your spouse and
Cleaning all the dust out of the air around the house
I can’t believe I’m such a jerk!
I forgot to mention the most likely thing you have to do:
Go to work!

@JackPosobiec If you use mass transit to commute then do a crossword puzzle on the train
(Research shows it’s very good to exercise your brain)
It may prevent Alzheimer’s or insane senility
Smile at strangers, your heart needs a dose of plain civility

@JackPosobiec Bring a gun in case you have to shoot someone for your protection
Carry mace in case someone gets in your face
& makes you miss your bus connection
Don’t forget to stretch every fifteen minutes at your desk
& if you work at a computer give your eyes a rest every half hour

@JackPosobiec Eat a healthy salad for your lunch that you packed this morning
along with your afternoon snack
in an old-fashioned, recyclable brown paper sack
(Because, after all, whatever your occupational bent
you still have to stop a minute every now and then to think of the environment)

@JackPosobiec And then, the most important rule of all for you to keep:
Make absolutely certain you get at least 8 to 9 hours of totally uninterrupted sleep
That means, if you get up at 5 you have to be in bed by 9
You have to eat your dinner by 7 and you can never watch the news at 11

@JackPosobiec (Forget about American Idol, for you there’s no prime time)
At eight you better drink a relaxing herbal tea, & wash and cream your face
& brush and floss your teeth
& getting ready ahead of time for the next day helps to keep unnecessary stress away
Good night!
Sleep tight!

@JackPosobiec Forget about smoking & eating when & what I want
Forget about the Krispy Kremes or freshly baked croissants
No more dancing nights away at the supper clubs
No more drinking frosty lagers at the local pubs
So if following these simple rules is all it takes
To reach 101

@JackPosobiec Then why, for goodness sake,
Does dying seem more fun?

And that is all I have to say on the subject.

@JackPosobiec @threadreaderapp
Please UNROLL my How to Live Forever poem.
Grazi!