Thread by @paulandstorm

[S] Presenting ALL OF THE U.S. PRESIDENTS as SNACK FOODS. (Inspired by @LeahBroad’s masterful and charming thread of composers and biscuits

https://twitter.com/LeahBroad/status/1087829935157329920

)

1. George Washington - Plain potato chips. Might seem pedestrian, but they’re the quintessential American snack. Can go stale like any food, and there are newer, zappier varieties. But the original endures.

2. John Adams - Big sour pickle. A practical and righteous snack that disagrees with many. One is plenty.

3. Thomas Jefferson - Jell-O Parfait. Well, la-dee-da! Kinda. A timeless composition that weaves together contrasting flavors and textures. And as you dig in, who knows what surprises you’ll find?

(jk; we all know.)

4. James Madison - Cheese and Cracker pack. Solid nutrition in a tidy and convenient, reasonable package. Good for your constitution. Includes a fun stick.

5. James Monroe - Popcorn. Expands into every crevice of the couch, but is long-lasting and elicits good feelings. Important in the U.S. but not always popular in other parts of the world.

6. John Quincy Adams - Bowl of Lucky Charms (dry). With a balance of shapes and colors, it seems appealing. But sans milk it’s not a satisfying snack, and ends up down the disposal halfway through.

7. Andrew Jackson - Expired off-brand Slim Jim. Some might chance this tough and greasy stick, but most can’t stomach it. Wildly popular when fresh, but as it is, best relegated it to the trash heap.

8. Martin Van Buren - Circus Peanuts. Plenty of gee-whiz excitement, but lacks substance. Does not even contain actual peanuts. Puffy.

9. William Henry Harrison - One Tic Tac. Barely there at all. Next.

10. John Tyler - Rice cakes. How did this even become a snack? Very little substance. Quickly forgotten.

11. James K. Polk - Chocolate chip cookies. Not perfect, but highly effective. They’re all like “Hey, I’m chocolate chip cookies. Go grab some milk and I’ll satisfy you in these ten ways.” And they do. Then they’re gone. Ace job, chocolate chip cookies!

12. Zachary Taylor - Cherries. Their season is short, so get ‘em while they last.

13. Millard Fillmore - Carrot sticks with ranch dressing. A compromise between a healthy treat and not feeling cheated by what you just eated.

14. Franklin Pierce - Spoonful of cloves. Really? That’s the best you can do? Might have its uses, but tasty treat is not among them. Snack fail.

15. James Buchanan - Tide Pod. Even worse than a spoonful of cloves. Looks like a snack, but is toxic. Do. Not. Eat.

16. Abraham Lincoln - Peanut Butter Cup. The best. A magnificent union of chocolate and peanut butter that liberates your taste buds as it defeats your hunger. Deadly to some. Disappears too soon.

17. Andrew Johnson - Deconstructed Nachos. Which is to say, there was a plan to make nachos, but it never quite panned out. Substantial in volume, but there’s just no there there.

18. Ulysses S. Grant - Ants on a Log. Lots going on with this one. Strong (if plain) celery backbone becomes overwhelmed by whatever toppings land on top of it.

19. Rutherford B. Hayes - A few grapes. Generally good, but ultimately disappointing as a snack.

20. James A. Garfield - Two Tic Tacs. Colorful, but barely there. Next.

21. Chester A. Arthur - Red Delicious Apple. Yeah you could eat that, if you really want.

22 and 24. Grover Cleveland - Two Red Delicious Apples. Yeah you could eat those, if you really want.

23. Benjamin Harrison - Totinos Pizza Rolls. Ambitious and active, and often overlooked. Assimilates international flavors and delivers them to your American taste buds.

25. William McKinley - Mary Janes. The bright packaging looks promising, but these outmoded tooth-busters do not agree with the modern mouth. But they’re the gold standard to some. Enjoy?

26. Theodore Roosevelt - Black licorice. Immovable in the snack firmament, black licorice does not care if you like it. Bold. Divisive. Salty. Will smash you in the tonsils, and its laughter will echo along your esophagus as it bullies through you.

27. William Howard Taft - Twix. Big things come in big packages. And just when you think you’re done with it… there’s a whole other bar. Encore supreme! Avoid bathtime consumption.

28. Woodrow Wilson - Moon Pie. For those with discriminating tastes. An assortment of ingredients brings peace to your hunger. Minimal contact between the marshmallow center and chocolate edges.

29. Warren G. Harding - Garlic Bubble Gum. When handed to you it promises a pleasant zotz of flavor, but only too late you realize you’ve been had. And by then, the trickster is gone for good.

30. Calvin Coolidge - Saltines. Not exciting, but gets the job done. Maybe.

31. Herbert Hoover - A gallon of habanero hot sauce. An unconventional snack choice, but hey, it’s a free market and anything goes. Avoid, unless you want to shit fire and make everyone around you miserable to the point of depression.

32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt - Legendary old-school Hickory Farms gift box. Defeats hunger and just about anything else. Lasts as close to forever as any snack food should.

33. Harry S. Truman - Cream S. Icle. A cold treat, but does the job it’s brought in to do. Integrates two great tastes into one bar.

34. Dwight D. Eisenhower - Fruit cake. A triumph at its best, but often regrettable. Heavy enough to be a bludgeoning weapon. Also suitable for paving highways.

35. John F. Kennedy - Original Kinder Egg. Goodies for everyone in a snappy package, with a surprise inside. Taken off the market too soon; newer versions are muted echoes. Ich bin ein Kinder!

36. Lyndon B. Johnson - Bucket of gummy worms. This bold and sour treat appeared on the scene unexpectedly, in a burst of colors to appeal to all. Gets sticky fast.

37. Richard Nixon - Bucket of actual worms. High in protein, but for all the good they might do, they’re more likely to be expelled.

38. Gerald Ford - Leftover stale hamburger bun bottom. It’s the only thing left in the fridge, so go for it.

39. Jimmy Carter - Box of raisins. Oh great. Look what Mom put in your lunch bag. You’ll probably throw them out, and realize later how good they are.

40. Ronald Reagan - Angel food cake. Many believe it’s the pinnacle of treats, which flabbergasts others. Easy to devour, but its light appearance belies an unhealthy essence. Demonstrates the power of a good name and charismatic presentation.

41. George H.W. Bush - Pretzel sticks. Stolid, reliable, prudent. Few jump up and down for them, yet they’re considered a “standard”.

42. Bill Clinton - White chocolate. Smooth and sweet, but polarizing because it kinda isn’t even chocolate. Despite all of the unsavory evidence, it retains legions of fans.

43. George W. Bush - Pork rinds. “Rind” is a calculated lie: they’re made from the skin of an intelligent animal. Which makes them a horrifying blend of wacky and cruel.

44. Barack Obama - M&M candies. Accessible, vivid, sweet, and agreeable to the great majority. Some don’t find them exciting, but all save the hopelessly contrarian ever regret having them. Won’t make a mess.

45. Donald J. Trump - An old donut bobbing around in a toilet*. Anyone who reaches for it is likely insane, ignorant, or clowning for attention. Will make anyone and everyone ill. Do not touch. Flush it down.

*phrase requisitioned from a piece by @david_j_roth

/end