Thread by @zeal_a

I no longer wonder what goes through the heads of those who contemplate suicide...I have an idea from my own experience!
THREAD

1. It’s been exactly 5 years to the month that I understood clearly how easy it is to fall into a suicide trap. Been 5 years since I understood the importance of a support system and having specific things that you consider important enough to live for.
I lost my job Feb 2014…

2. Yes, I mean that literally…I left my job somewhere in 2013 and when I came back for it, it wasn’t there again 😂…some people had taken it🤣. Incidentally, that was also the year that I discovered that a sneeze can cause serious distress because I sneezed and slipped 3 discs

3. ...and as if that wasn’t bad enough, the discs were impinging my sciatic nerve and causing excruciating pain that was radiating through my entire right leg. If you have experienced nerve pain, I am sure you can imagine and if you have not, I pray you don’t experience it.

4. For my close friends who remember, they will recall that when I could walk again, I had to use a walking stick for a while.

It wasn’t just the sudden and unjust job loss and brokenness accompanied by betrayals that was doing me

5. I was also, at about the same time, having major psychological and emotional distress as well….That period was a point of low of all lows in my life and I was only holding on to a thin piece of string. So this nerve pain just happened to be the tipping point for me.

6. I blamed God for the pain, I blamed Him for everything that was happening because, after all, He could make it all go away and He didn’t.
I was experimenting on all sorts of pain medication and the NSAIDS which helped eventually caused some bleeding in my stomach...

7. ...and I had to stop and move to opioid analgesics which I also had to stop but not before I developed some horrible constipation that never went. At night, finding a position that would allow me sleep was torturous and once I found one, I dared not move.

8. I often heard a voice, consoling me and saying “don’t worry, in the after life, there’s no pain”. It was a nice voice and it often sang me to sleep.
Here's where the story gets interesting:

9. After a short while, the pain made me start envying dead people cos I thought afterall, “there’s no pain after you die”. Then, I started wishing that I would die just so that the pain would stop. (I have met quite a few people who are here already)

10. A few days of that, then the voice started telling me that “if I died, there’ll be no more pain”. It all sounded the same and I was comforted. I remember even asking about wills and trusts and what happens when people die interstate.

11. Then one day, this soft, soothing voice pointed out that, a solution to the pain was that I could will myself to death just by sleeping and agreeing not to wake up. The first night, I tried it and much to my disappointment, I actually woke up!!…

12. I then became frustrated and anger set in – I was angry at myself that I was willing death at night and yet, waking up in the morning. Waking up made me angry..I was angry at everything.

Then one day, the voice told me that the frustration could end once and for all.

13.That if I wasn’t “strong enough” to will myself, maybe I was strong enough to end my life. The suggestion made perfect sense
Over a period of less than 2 weeks, just 2 weeks, all defenses, beliefs & notions about suicide crumbled on what would seem like perfectly logical terms

14. I had been broken! and suddenly suicide actually seemed like a brilliant idea, a perfect solution & I actually felt like an idiot not thinking about it sooner.
So I prayed one last time.

15. I blamed God for the pain, blamed God for my not having enough strength to will myself to death, blamed God for not letting me think of suicide earlier…I didn’t pray for forgiveness because afterall, it wasn’t my fault but His. These were my thoughts! Cogent & simple

16. BUT...In addition to these thoughts, I also thought of my mum, my family, my kids…I thought of what it may cause them to suffer. I thought, for once, of something other than my pain!

17. Needless to say, I didn’t go through because somehow, through and during that prayer and through my drug induced, fuzzied up mind, everything that voice had been whispering kinda started sounding awkward.

18. I used to wonder why people commit suicide, what goes through their heads, why they lose hope and today, not to excuse it, but for people to understand that it’s a gradual process and many won’t even realize they’re on a suicidal journey!

it creeps on you slowly

19. Today, I was reminded of this journey of mine; I was reminded of the pain; & my transition & memories now give me strength. So today, I decided to tell this story cos I know that what can set someone off the edge may be something seemingly small and insignificant

20. Only one or two friends have heard me speak of this weird period, but today, I’ve decided to spill. I was worried about being judged, labeled etc, but, who cares?
A lot of people go through things quietly and every one’s threshold for enduring pain and suffering is different.

21. That you are strong enough to have handled a massive heartbreak, misfortune, accident, loss or anything, doesn’t mean that the next person can.

You can’t feel their pain even if the circumstances are the same.

22. To everyone you meet, be kind, gentle and as much as you can, don’t leave the person worse than you met them.

People are genuinely suffering! and many are suffering in silence and putting up a brave bold face on social media. The some stupid trolls attack them for no reason

23. If you are in this sad, burdened and solitary position by any chance, don't listen to those who make you feel weak for thinking these thoughts, find people who will walk with you to bring out the strength you need to overcome.

24. Don't listen to people who tell you that there are those worse off than you; find people who understand that what you're going through is the biggest deal in your life. Try hard to find the right support system! There's people who understand & can actually help professionally

25. And for those who are "okay", don’t be the one to push anyone over the edge. It may just be one single harsh tone that breaks them Just be kind & if you don't know how, just be quiet

I must add: this is how I was lucky to have met @twitjyde and we became very good friends 😁