Thread by @HoarseWisperer

A bunch of people have asked how I backed a narcissist into a corner and “beat them” so to speak.

The key is “breaking the quarantine.”

Narcissists put anyone who criticizes, questions or sees through them out on an island.

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https://twitter.com/hoarsewisperer/status/1128342342115766273

They undermine the target with everyone else in the group.

The goal is to isolate the person who poses a threat to the narc’s facade and turn opinion against them - or at minimum, neutralize the damage they can do to the narc.

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Narcissists are very primitive. They don’t have conscious strategies. They’re behavior is very reflexive.

They are hardwired to react to any person who might hurt how others see them by pushing them out of the tribe and turning the tribe against them.

It’s a reflex.

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If a narcissist can’t do that - can’t ‘quarantine’ the person in a lonely bubble - the narc has no choice but to instead try to keep the target from wanting to damage their facade.

Narcs HATE being in that position.

Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

And hate it some more.

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Severe narcissists tend to see people as all good or all bad.

So, being in a position where they can’t quarantine someone “bad” and instead are forced to accommodate them pushes all their buttons.

They don’t handle that well... It can make for quite the scene.

5/

Nonetheless, if a narcissist can’t successfully put you out on an island, you have the leverage.

They have the anger. You have the upper hand.

Break the quarantine, break the narcissist.

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In my case, I broke the quarantine by repeatedly acquainting the narcissist with subtle reminders of how well networked I was with people both inside and outside his circle.

I’d casually mention names of people who he wouldn’t want to look bad in front of...

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“Hey, I was out with people from (industry group) last night and was telling (person whose name he would know) about us. She’s so nice. Always love seeing her.”

That kind of thing. Casually creating the impression that I could hurt his facade with ppl he couldn’t influence.

8/

I also used his attempts to put unmanageable pressure on me against him in a way.

At one point, he called me into his office and told me he was revising my revenue target.

He had quadrupled it.

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The new target required me to deliver more rev. growth than 15 other partners combined.

It was ridiculous.

It was meant to tighten a vise toward crushing pressure.

Slid a piece of paper across the table explaining it and sat back waiting for my reaction. He wanted one.

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I smiled and said “Okay, got it. Thanks for this.”

He was like “You don’t have any questions??”

“Nope. Seems pretty straightforward.”

And then I took the paper and left.

11/

Went down to my office and called a senior partner who the CEO liked.

Asked him how he was doing on filling a couple of open positions.

He complained about how impossible they were to fill.

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Me: Well, this isn’t going to make your day but how quickly you can quadruple your team?

Him: WTF are you talking about?!

Me: My targets just quadrupled. I plan on hitting them. Since your team is on all my stuff, how fast can you get 4x bigger?

He flipped.

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We hung up. He was in the CEO’s office a couple hours later. The revised revenue target was history by morning.

I had broken the quarantine.

Narcs want to severely screw the target while engendering the admiration and respect of everyone else.

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When they can’t - when people beyond the target would think less of them or *worst of all* take the target’s side - they begrudgingly back down.

Couple that with presenting an opportunity for them to pay to make you happily go away and you’re free to go.

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Don’t get me wrong, the narc will hate you with a visceral, boiling passion. They’ll seethe.

But if you can stay firmly rooted in their neighborhood and can keep from getting islanded, you have the only tool you need to force their hand: the ability to hurt their facade.

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In personal relationships, if you have a partner, ex or relative who is a narc, the ability to “out them” for bad behavior is an “in case of emergency, break glass” tool to stop that behavior.

Response will be off the charts angry though, so not advisable in unsafe situations.

So, summing this all up:

Narcissists are primitive. Their go-to move is first isolating and then undermining detractors.

Block the isolation, you’ve got the upper hand.

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p.s. it should be fully understood that “beating” a narcissist is nothing more than getting away from them in one piece.

Getting out at all is winning.

Getting out intact is winning big.

Get out though. At whatever cost, get out.