Thread by @Pinboard

Today's Apple event is starting with a stirring rendition of the Chinese national anthem. Tim Cook started a capella in a pleasant baritone, with Ive and the board coming in on "Let's build a new Great Wall!" And you know it would be a thin, beautiful wall.

Tim Cook is announcing Apple Arcade, which will bring Minesweeper to high-end macs for the first time (Apple customers in selected regions will get access to special titles like "Uighur hunt")

A grown man in a fedora is playing Frogger on the stage with a very serious expression. His parents had hopes and dreams.

Next gamebro is describing a game that takes place entirely underwater as "immersive".

Apple game demos are kind of like Christian heavy metal. Profoundly unsatisfying in a way that defies description.

For some reason Tim Cook is now talking about Apple making television shows (?) rather than bringing the entire Apple Keyboard team to be ritually beheaded onstage. Apple used to know how to give the people what they want. I would even watch that as a serial on Apple TV

Apple is now showing the trailer for a show about a world where no one can see, but everyone has great hair

The new Apple Arcade and TV subscriptions are available for less than the price of a monitor stand

Odd glitch in the live stream where Tim Cook's voice suddenly changed and urged customers to visit apple-software-update-dot-cn for a special raffle

The new Apple iPad comes with a keyboard that it can slot into, and the two fold together into a flat, easy to carry shape. And you can play games on it, or watch TV shows. Extraordinary

Excited to see the new keyboard Apple Watch slots into

A lot of testimonials from people about how wearing a 24/7 biometric surveillance device has made life better for them, including a woman speaking in Mandarin, which is A++ for chutzpah

Crowd is cheering because the new Apple watch face will always visible, like every other watch ever made

Presenter explains that the new watch feature is perfect for "when you're in a social or work setting when you just want to sneak a glance at the time"

Every time I watch an Apple Watch update it gladdens my heart to think there's a couple dozen assholes out there stuck with the series 1 watch made of solid gold.

The bragging about an always-visible watch face reminds me of how many features promised by autonomous driving fanatics were already available in the horse

(and this includes shitting all over the world around them)

There's a new iPhone and the fuckers still can't make it flat. This sparks joy.

The new phone is so huge that it they are actually bragging about it providing a form of surround sound

New ultra-wide lens lets you capture every shade of contempt in the eyes of the waiter at the same time as the close-up of your ramen

Now talking about the new Bionic CPU, which has enough horsepower to exfiltrate a live feed from all three high-def cameras to the Ministry of State Security without any skips in Candy Crush

Good news: battery now lasts an hour longer than iPhone XR
Bad news: battery is no longer rechargeable

Phone cameras are the new razor blades (multicolor LED is the lubricating strip) theonion.com/fuck-everythin…

Pretty wonderful moment when the presenter introduces a South Asian vice president in charge of the fancypants chip in the flagship new iPhone and can't pronounce his name.

Oblique reference to horse detection!

I also love the crowd clapping for arbitrary transistor counts and matrix multiplication stats. The new iPhone can find the determinant of a self-adjoint matrix in sub-log-log time, a feature pros have been demanding (STORMY, PROLONGED APPLAUSE)

Presenter shows life-size image of the amazing Pro Charging Dongle, and waits (really) for applause when announcing that it comes for free with the phone

Presenter just described the "desaturate" feature as the phone's "outstanding black and white pro-level image filter"

Another weird example of Apple vaporware, "Deep Fusion". Apple used to be really disciplined about not talking about unreleased features. It lets you take a picture of a guy in a sweater in bad light without using a real camera

Presenter just described a new font on the iPhone ProPro as "so pro that you're going to love using it". Now I'm livid at how much this amateur-ass font is holding me back

Who are these professionals who are finally going to spread their wings and use this device? Doctors who have been waiting for a phone with "surgical grade steel"? Photographers who are prohibited from using a camera by a gypsy curse? Video editors who hate themselves?

This is the phone version of a luxury SUV that the manufacturer films climbing up Olympus Mons, and regular humans only ever encounter double-parked at Whole Foods

New iPhone costs as much as the pro monitor stand!

Apple store person is talking about new personalization features, which will make devices absolutely unique to the user. Another feature that Apple's customers in China have been inadvertently enjoying long before the rest of us

Presenter just described newly re-opened Apple Fifth Avenue as "a wonderful place for the community to gather". I would especially recommend it to the pitchfork and torch community.