Thread by @JamieRice

Thread. This could get long.

1) As the last day of #ADHDAwarenessMonth comes to a close, I am grateful for finding community in the #NeurodiverseSquad. I was diagnosed as a 49 year old adult. It saved my life. #ADHD

2) Throughout my childhood and until two years ago, I knew something was different about how my brain worked. It was clear that I was "smart" or "brilliant" to hear adults and others describe me... As an adult, I was told friends that I was 1 of the smartest people they knew.

3) But if you were a family member, teacher, co-worker, or boss, I was frustrating to deal with. They "knew" that I was smart, creative, capable. But they saw someone who was "disorganized", "can't prioritize", "managed time poorly"

Both sides are true.

4) I've close friendships and relationships in shambles. They saw both sides. As an added bonus, I was blessed with RSD and I am HSP to boot. My sensitivity allowed me read a person quickly, so I could detect very easily when some one was mad at me.

5) The bright, sensitive, generous person, who they liked and loved was obscured by someone, "does not pay attention", "procrastinates", and is "moody and depressed all the time".

I knew this too and I hated that everyone was seemingly always mad at me.

6) Intellectually, I knew I was more than those negative traits.

BUT everything that I touched ended up in disappointment and anger from loved ones, bad grades, inconsistent performance reviews, broken relationships.

I carried a ton of shame. And still do.

7) This shame governed my life. Not to mention that I was almost constantly in an agitated state that sometimes paralyzed me. My day to day decisions focused on managing expectations. Lying to cover up not paying a parking ticket, or about a missed deadline or deliverable.

8) There was always people willing to help with suggestions. You need a "day planner". "I am showing you how to organize your day by (insert strategy here)". Two of my bosses (separate jobs) wanted to send me to an executive function seminar. Nothing stuck, nothing worked.

9) In every aspect of my life the goal was to see how long I could keep all the plates spinning, or giving the illusion that all of the plates were spinning.

I could never ask for help. I could never let you know that I was "incompetent or damaged"

I believed that I was both

10) What do you say to people when they say "You should just try harder."

I was trying as hard as I could, but nothing worked.

In the spring of 2017 struggling at work and in a failing relationship, I resigned.

I "thought" I was damaged. I "knew" I was depressed.

11) During those last days at my job, I felt defeated, I hadn't told my partner at the time. I began to consider suicide. There was a bridge that I drove over every day to and from work. Every evening driving back, I would slow down my car, wanting to stop and jump.

12) Thank god for soul crushing self-doubt. I even believed that I couldn't even end my life properly. Most importantly, my daughter. In my mind she was the only person in my life that didn't see me as a "failure". As much as I had these ideations, I didn't want to end this

13) Eventually, with the help of some people close to me. I made an appointment with a therapist. Remember I was "depressed". After my initial appointment and two subsequent meetings It was determined that my depression was a result of untreated ADHD and RSD.

14) I was prescribed Adderall, because of the dopamine would allow my brain to slow down the negative self talk and the the depressed feelings would abate.

The medicine saved my life and still does to this day.

15) After the diagnosis and getting the dosage right, things are a little clearer, I can attend to tasks. I've used google calendar successfully for almost two years. I learned a simple prioritization technique from a colleague that I use with support.

Small wins

16) But it's not a straight line. That is where the #NeurodiverseSquad comes in. At first it was @ErynnBrook and @ADHD_Alien Eryn's words and Pina's drawings held up a mirror. I started to embrace this lifelong disorder/gift.

17) Then @danidonovan came across my feed. And everyone else. I follow some of you, your vulnerability and tweets nourish me. I am grateful to you all.

18)Small wins aside, I carry a lot shame and self-hatred as I internalized a life time of voices. There are days that I burrow and can't move. Many days my negative introject is so strong I unleash it on myself to a degree that one time it brought my therapist to tears.

19) There are days where I can't attend to anything, prioritize, or be productive in the slightest way. I still fuck up at work. But at the end of the day, I connect with this twitter community, and I see the same struggles.

20) Your stories, drawings, shared research are integral in how I work with my ADHD everyday. I am therapy to get at the root of the shame and self-hatred that seem so embedded to my being. I am working on cultivating a new set of tools for living.

21) I couldn't do this with out you.

End.

PS 1) All fo your responses have truly touched me. I will try to respond to everyone by the weekend as I will use this as a way procrastinate. I never expected this, usually when I tweet, It's like talking into a thermos, it sounds cool to me but no one else hears it.

PS 2) This thread is a perfect expression of my ADHD. I tried to write this since the middle of the month and finally pushed it out as the deadline was looming. I sent it out, I reread it, and perseverated over the grammar, spelling, and omission errors.

PS 3) Thanks for reading and seeing through it.