With the discussions about T.I. policing his daughter's genitals in the news today I want to tell you what happens when young women, frightened of a virginity test, contact an advice column. Understandably it might upset you but please read if you can #AgonyHour
Young women email or write to advice columns/Agony Aunts because they either have been told they will be having a virginity test, or because they suspect it could happen. Or they are about to marry or get engaged or have their first intimate relationship #AgonyHour
What are they afraid of? That their bodies will be looked at by someone they don't know in a very invasive way. They fear it will hurt or they will be embarrassed. They aren't sure what to expect, so they have no idea if they can 'pass' the virginity test. #AgonyHour
They are also terrified of the outcome. What if they fail? What will happen to them? Will their relationship end, engagement or marriage be called off? Might they be beaten? Their family shamed? Could they be killed? #AgonyHour
Most of the young women have not had any kind of sexual relationship, they also aren't often informed about their bodies so don't know what is 'normal' for their genitals. Asking about their bodies may invite suspicion #AgonyHour
If they are tested their first experience of another person touching them intimately is having their genitals stared at by a doctor then two fingers pushed inside.
They know they're under suspicion and surveillance. They don't experience this as a health checkup
#AgonyHour
They know they're under suspicion and surveillance. They don't experience this as a health checkup
#AgonyHour
Sometimes the young woman has had experience of sex or pleasure. They might have felt turned on, or thought about sex, or kissed someone, they may have masturbated, they might have avoided vaginal sex (to prevent pregnancy and 'preserve virginity') but had anal sex #AgonyHour
These women are very scared because they feel they have something to be ashamed of. Something the test might reveal. They ask me about hymen repair (there's an industry of unscrupulous doctors that do this as well as virginity checks) #AgonyHour
Intersex people are also afraid of how the test may expose their genitals as differing from the 'norm' or may not be aware their genitals are diverse so discover this during the test. They may be 'passed' as virgins but a new threat to their identity is now in place #AgonyHour
Lesbian and Bi women or those suspected of being Lesbian or Bi may also find their genitals being inspected to note if they have had relations with another woman, 'corrective rape' is also another fate these women might face #AgonyHour
Obviously if you're non binary or otherwise non conforming suspicion may already be on you, which these checks may worsen and cause trauma for you regarding your sexuality or your gender or both #AgonyHour
It's also not unusual for young women involved in activism to have their genitals checked while under arrest; or for women prisoners to have virginity tests undertaken. Women experience these examinations as highly abusive, painful and distressing #AgonyHour
There are other women who were sexually abused in childhood but threatened to keep it a secret. For them there is a terror of the check revealing they aren't a virgin but also knowing they'll be touched intimately in ways they fear. #AgonyHour
Whatever the circumstances of the virginity test happening, whether it's something you know is coming or something that's a shock, whether it's done by a doctor or by a female relative or someone you're in a relationship with, it's all horrific #AgonyHour
Virginity tests happen in patriarchal cultures/communities with lower levels of education and conservative faiths/values. Parents who organise them can feel it's needed to protect their daughter or secure her future. They may resent being told they're acting harmfully #AgonyHour
Some parents whose daughters are severely disabled believe virginity tests are necessary to ensure other adults aren't abusing their child. Whether the child is being sexually abused or subjected to virginity tests she cannot consent #AgonyHour
At the heart of these tests is the idea of 'purity' and that muddled belief virginity is a physical entity evidenced by the hymen that is something that has to be 'broken'. If it cannot be seen/felt it must mean penetration has occurred #AgonyHour
So when young women write to me I can explain what the hymen is and why the idea they may hold about virginity is misleading. I can talk about their body, their rights, and why sex should not hurt them. And how virginity tests are a nonsense and immoral #AgonyHour
But what good does much of that do? They aren't going to dodge the test, or it may have already happened, they may have already 'failed' or have passed but now be traumatised. Does knowing it's medically a nonsense help them? #AgonyHour
A lot of ill informed 'sex positive' approaches have pushed the idea of pleasure but haven't got past the fact that young women have no agency and will be subjected to these tests. If they expect or ask for pleasure, what danger might this cause? #AgonyHour
Every reply is different but I try and balance a gentle answer explaining about the body and reassuring the person they have done nothing wrong. If I know where they are I try and connect them with a women's resource centre or charity. #AgonyHour
Usually there is nothing I can do for them except reassure and signpost to help. They address me as Mummy, Aunty, Sister, Mma, Sisi, Mama; begging me to help them escape something I can't help them escape. Not the upcoming test nor their family or where they live. #AgonyHour
What I can do, is alert clinicians about this, to campaign for better sex ed, to promote the role of advice columns within media. Young women may not trust or be able to afford a doctor, or have sex ed or go to school, but they can contact an Agony Aunt #AgonyHour
Unfortunately many clinicians aren't interested or see it as a '3rd world problem' (their words). Struggles with sex ed in schools remain an issue globally. Professional bodies supporting public engagement are resistant to acknowledging the importance of advice giving #AgonyHour
Talking about the topic is also tricky because people don't believe it or treat it as a joke (witness the reactions from some to T.I's comments). Or it encourages Islamophobia or other racist reactions. Or shaming those who are poor or haven't had a good education #AgonyHour
It's relevant because while taking your daughter to have her genitals checked by a doctor to 'prove' her virginity seems unusual we're all VERY familiar with the checks and suspicions people who'll consider themselves sexually literate and experienced still do #AgonyHour
So you'll all know a man who thinks his partner cheated because of the way her genitals smelled, looked or tasted. Or believed a partner must've had lots of sex prior to him because her vagina didn't feel 'tight'. Lots of women hold those views also #AgonyHour
Many women live in terror in controlling relationships because their bodies are under scrutiny and nothing they can do or say convinces a jealous partner they haven't been cheating, or thinking about sex #AgonyHour
Educators still tell girls to expect their 'first time' will be bloody and painful. And many adults of all ages believe a tighter vagina, lack of lubrication and no orgasms are an indicator a woman is 'pure'. #AgonyHour
The comments by T.I. aren't unusual if you put them into a wider context of misogyny, surveillance, control and a lack of sex education. Even journalists and commentators responding to T.I. are still reinforcing the idea of virginity being a physical entity #AgonyHour
What can we do?We can lobby for better education in schools; better media sex coverage; evidenced, accessible and affordable healthcare.We can challenge colonialist and racist attitudes in media, development and medicine. And working, always, to empower girls and women #AgonyHour
I'd encourage you to read this paper which explains in more detail the physical and psychological consequences of virginity testing …tive-health-journal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.11… and please support reproductive rights and women's justice organisations in their work to stop this practice #AgonyHour
If you want to learn more about reproductive justice, hymens and supporting young women there is information and links to resources here telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/how-… #AgonyHour
I may not be able to help individual women escape virginity tests and wider harms but we can all signpost folk to help. @Tip may be cool with subjecting his daughter to abuse but I am not. Nor am I okay with it being done to ANY young woman. Let's end virginity testing #AgonyHour
