Kent, Taylor: People died as a result of Trump’s pursuit of election-year propaganda fuel.
NBC: unless you’re saying this while wearing a neon ruffled shirt, we DGAF.
FOX: yawn. OMG LOL he’s drinking water while testifying for 5 solid hours.
NBC: unless you’re saying this while wearing a neon ruffled shirt, we DGAF.
FOX: yawn. OMG LOL he’s drinking water while testifying for 5 solid hours.
Kent, Taylor: the fate of our nation and our children’s future hangs in the balance.
NBC: if you could just tell us this while making a sh*tty-looking cake in a ridiculously small amount of time, we’ll be able to pay attention.
FOX: same.
NBC: if you could just tell us this while making a sh*tty-looking cake in a ridiculously small amount of time, we’ll be able to pay attention.
FOX: same.
Taylor: [reads damning texts in a sonorous Cronkite voice]
NBC: But can he sledgehammer cabinets off a wall?
FOX: No, but we have it on good authority Jim Jordan does every single morning.
Narrator: At random people’s houses, uninvited.
NBC: But can he sledgehammer cabinets off a wall?
FOX: No, but we have it on good authority Jim Jordan does every single morning.
Narrator: At random people’s houses, uninvited.
Kent: we battled mobsters and the mobsters got pissed off.
NBC: say that again, but this time while slathering chalkboard paint onto the basement wall of the Brooklyn Air BnB you bought on a bus driver salary.
FOX: we’re bored by this, but not when President Casino calls in and treats us to 30 minutes of rambling word salad.
FOX: we’re bored by this, but not when President Casino calls in and treats us to 30 minutes of rambling word salad.
Meanwhile, at Reuters: Baptisms + Funerals Need More Glitter, Jazz Hands and Pasties. 
