Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

I do not know who I offended in this life but i swear, dogs do not like me. From huge dogs like German shepherd and rotts to even bingo, ekwuke, àjá that can gbera or not, and even booski.They all love to chase me and I have several stories to prove this.

Brethren
Issa thread

Back in secondary school, as SS2D class captain, i was detailed to go visit Chioma who had been absent from school for 3days without reason. I and my asst. Edet got to her house say 4pm and knocked, and the door opened to reveal her Tower of babel tall Pastor Father.

Standing above us, a suspicious glare in his eyes, a sneer on his face, an angry mien slowly bubbling to the surface, he asked 'Yes! young men? What do you want?'

'Sir we're here to see your daughter. Chioma' Edet quipped.

"We came to find out - "

Before I could state our mission,aims and objectives, he shouted "you sons of Bilial!! You people are here to impregnate my daughter eh!! I rebuke you!" he kept yelling expletives at us and before i had the chance to explain that I was a son of jesus and didn't know any bilial,

That we only came to impregnate this household with peace and mercy, as bro. Stephen of the school to home evangelical missionary position sorry ministries and hopefully producing a tract to match our words, baba went inside and shouted

Cain! Fetch!

Once I heard Cain Fetch! God'swill for my life became clear instantly. He wouldn't have wanted me, His son, to be fetched. Am i water?  He would have wanted me to flee from the appearance of evil making for us with a blood curling glint in its eye.  My lord wouldn't want that.

But pls explain to me.Who names a dog Cain if it isn't wicked.If it hasn't killed all its Abel brothers.Why fetch?Why not pursue?Fetch ba? Thunder fire fetch papa bcos buoyed by that, my limbs acquired extraordinary nimbleness and I ran for my Salvation like say na heavenly race

Now this is where my angst comes to the fore and you'll see why i say dogs don't like me. The command was fetch ba. No specifics. Yet the dog left edet, a confessed dog eater and started chasing me Stevo-Abel. Almost three streets i ran, yet this dog did not relent. It kept on

Did it bite me? I rather not remember.Though there's a mark somewhere on my backside dat may or may not have been from Cain.Let me claim amnesia here.

The day i confirmed this my dog wahala was the day Progress took me to one of his new Babe's house in town.

Yes progress again

As with every of our story, I was on my own Jeje in my room when my enemy of Progress shows up like 'Stevo! Stevoboss! Stevoranking' and I'm there looking up like my village Kanayo what doth thou wantest from me? Why has thou remembered me?

'progress Wetin you want?' I said.

"Nothing o. Just dress up make we enter town. I just receive some funds. Make i flex you. Make i lavish your destiny with enjoyment. Poor man" he said.

"See progress, better no play with my feelings"  I replied.

"Guy see na" he said showing me some notes.

Fiam! I was dressed.

On the bus to town, he then said "Guy we go first reach works layout. Make i just see one of my babes sharply. Then I bless your system with 2 big stout and fish for mbari kitchen"

I ignored his antecedents. This wasn't going to end well. But all die na die i said. No wahala

He had met this new chick on 2go. Her username, SexyBetty247. They had been chatting for a while and her parents had travelled, leaving just her and her kid brother in the house. We arrived at the white painted duplex and you could easily smell affluence in the air.

We opened the gate and 2 d right of the verdant compound,was the biggest meanest lion-in-dogs-clothing I had ever seen in my life. Its bark sounded like roaring thunder, like wickedness. my spirit man dissolved and there and then again, I wondered why?

Why was i cursed with this unfortunate progress of a boy. This boy will never ask me to follow him to where they're sharing money but when it reaches time to enter a Lion's den or fire, I become daniel, i become shedrach meshach and abednego.

Oh! My God!

"Come in Guys," said SexyBetty walking towards us at the main gate.

And die ba? I said in my mind. So this is what you people are into here eh. Invite young men with bright futures to your house to be eaten up.

"Stop charlie" she screamed at the barking dog

It quietened, but still growled, staring straight at me, as if assessing which part on the sands of time of my buttocks it would leave its mark.

Charlie is usually calm she said as we walked in. I mimicked her voice in my mind cHaRLey eEs A vERy cAlM diog. Nonsense!

How will it be calm now that it has seen me, a human scooby snacks. Dog calm na him e dey shout for me? When you people will be giving dog human names how won't it be having human attributes like malice and hate at 1st sight like charlieboy was exhibiting now.

NB: At this point in my life, I must admit that somewhere in my heart, i felt that this ceaseless dog ire towards me was because i had eaten dog meat and enjoyed it. I don't care if you judge me but I'm no hypocrite and I'll explain why. I followed progress to a party

And i swear, with alcohol in the system, i had eaten almost 1k of dried and peppered dog meat and even volunteered 4k for them to buy more before asking 'abeg which kind meat be this wen sweet pass honey?' only to then be told that though we had started with suya this was 404.

As much as i felt like shit and that night had small bingos in my area barking at me as i passed them, I couldn't deny that it had delighted my palate. I couldn't even try to induce vomiting like my friends, for something that had digested and even given me nutrients.

So maybe I could understand why charley boy was raking me. Maybe na him ancestor i chop. But Progress chop like 1500 inside him ancestors even belch ontop why not shout for him too na.

Inside the house, her kid brother came down and said something about taking a walk

I jejely chilled in the parlor as Progress and SexyBetty247 disappeared. Minutes Later, they returned (Not surprising. Bloody 1minute man that progress boy) and we chilled in the sitting room for a while, till it was time to leave.

We got to the door and i had to chill at the other side close to the gate for that useless boy to collect kiss and hug for the road. There I was chilling o. Being a good friend, when gate opened and her kid brother returned with charlie, who left his grip, making for me.

Documentaries are useless o. At that point i remembered one that seemed to suggest that when in such situation, best move was to stand your ground but brethren we thank God for the spirit of discernment of village people disguised as educated opinion cos baba! I moved.

Danger has a way of bringing out your inner athlete. Me that used to carry last with yellow house in school now i was Usenichukwu Oluwabolt. No time! I ran to the backyard, tailed closely by this dog. One two fiam! I had climbed an elevated concrete at the backyard.

Though not in time, cos charlie caught a part of my trouser, trying to pull me down. The babes brother made it in time to pull the dog away and I came down and was heading for the gate, Only for me to turn back and see Charlie had broken away again.

I'm like

No no no! Kanti this isn't ordinary anymore.Charlie reveal yourself. Who are you?Are you my ex boma whose last words to me was I'll pursue you till you can run but cannot hide.What's so special about me?I've bitten myself many times b4 walai I'm not sweet. Forgive and forget na.

Luckily for me, I was close to the gate before the dogs second coming and betty's brother had left it open. I got there, and turning my eyes, seeing charlie so close, I banged it close or so i thought. I couldn't risk stopping so I kept running.  Running and running.

In the distance, I could hear betty screaming charlie stop!  I'm like they'll use stop and kill all of you in that family. I had reached what i thought was a safe distance when I saw Progress running towards me. No fam! No time to ask why. The Lagos boy in me kicked in. I moved.

He finally caught up with me like "Stevo. Why you run na? Na wa o. You sef. You dey fall hand o. Stevo ben johnson. Na wa o" I quietly leaned in to his ear like Progress tell me. I no go expose you i swear to God. Tell me. Which of these men you be

Cos the amount of evil he had brought to my life eh no be ordinary eye.

Later, at Mbari Kitchen, he made good on his promise to buy me drinks and fish. As i was drinking it, thanking god that Friday that I had escaped death, One booski near me was barking hinf! Hinf! Hinf!

I looked at it like. If you try am! If dem born your dad, Pa-booski well, try am! See let me tell you. I will fight you like human being. I wee tear my shirt for you. What nonsense!  Camon sherrup dia!

This is why till date, i give dogs their chance. Whether e small like ant i don't care. Even when owners are like stacy doesn't bite. I ask them when did stacy reveal this. And this is also why if in your house you put BEWARE OF DOGS. Charléy i beware. I beware o. I be very ware

Because brethren, if we cannot meet elsewhere den no wahala. Last last we shall meet at the right hand of our lord when all the saints are raptured.

Amem? Emem!
Mass is dismissed.

Got any funny dog stories, lets hear about it in the comment. Thanks for joining TalesByTweetLight this weekend. RT PLEASE and check the next tweet for more humorous threads if you've missed any.

With Love
Uncle Stephen
THE END.

Want more humorous threads? Then check here Charléy

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