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1/ In honor of the recent sex-and-dating news, I'd like to discuss a brief & fun sociological paper: Willard Waller's "The Rating and Dating Complex" (1937). First, I'll summarize it, highlighting key bits, followed by a brief discussion. PDF: arena-attachments.s3.amazonaws.com/3967690/3eefe9…
2/ Human mating behavior is complex. Waller claims that, before "dating", young people engaged in a courtship process designed to get them married off--and back to productive work--as smoothly as possible. This made sense in pre-modern, scarce times.
3/ Waller contrasts the end goal of marriage with "thill-seeking": "physiological stimulation and release of tension". He discusses how relationships based on this can lead to "exploitative relationships" such as "gold-digging" (but not always, if mutually recognized).
4/ Waller's analysis is of college students. Most attend to "rise to a higher social class" ("behind this we should see the ideology of American life and the projection of parents' ambitions upon children). Marriage would screw up this plan, hence the emergence of "dating".
5/ "the peculiar relationship known as 'dating'... is not true courtship, since it is supposed not to eventuate in marriage; it is a sort of dalliance relationship... dating is largely dominated by the quest of the thrill and is regarded as an amusement."
6/ Waller takes a deep dive into how the "rating and dating complex" works on a "typical" college campus, "a large state-supported school... in a small city". He notes that this college campus is atypical due to the "unbalanced sex ratio": 6 boys to 1 girl.
7/ On this college campus, Waller notes that the students have divided themselves into a "distributive order," as dating is a competitive process. Students are very aware of their position and the positions of others. He also notes: "Class A men [date] principally Class A women."
8/ What makes a man desirable as a date? Fraternity membership, money, doing activities, dressing well, smooth manners and appearance, dancing well, a car, and a "good line" (to be discussed later). The better the frat, the more desirable the guy.
9/ What makes a woman desirable? Good clothes, a smooth line, dancing well, and, most importantly, popularity as a date. "Nothing succeeds like success." Many use tactics, such as exaggerating how often they receive phone calls, to appear more popular than they are.
10/ Waller notes the "cycle of desirability" of women: a new girl starts popular, but her prestige declines over time. "Her descent is expedited by such "mistakes"... as "going steady"... and by too ready availability." After 2 years, Many tire of dating and want more permanence.
11/ The competitive process of dating creates antagonism. "Status in the one-sex group depends upon avoiding exploitation by the opposite sex... Almost all of the participants pretend a ruthlessness toward the opposite sex which they do not feel."
12/ The peer group exerts much influence over dating decisions: "a girl's choice of whom to fall in love with is limited by the censorship of the one-sex group. Every boy that she dates is discussed and criticized by all other members of the group."
13/ What happens to lower status daters? "Rationalizations which enable Class D men and women to accept one another are probably never completely effective." "The fire of competitive dating burns hot at the top, smoulders at the bottom." Many feel better off not dating at all.
14/ Waller describes a group of less desirable girls: "organized in one tightly compact 'bunch'... all of them accepted eleventh hour invitations" but pretended to be reluctant about it. They tended to "cycle" through fraternities, dating through them then losing desirability.
15/ The less desirable boys generally felt significant antagonism toward the women on campus ("coeds"), as they were generally unable to date them. Many dated "imports" from off-campus. Others "take on the role of misogynists---and read Schopenhauer."
16/ During the summer, the entire scene reverses, as "women school teachers flock to this school for the summer term, and men are very scarce... They are man-hungry, and they have a little money. As a result, there is a great proliferation of highly commercialized relations."
17/ "In other schools, where the sex ratio is about equal... 'going steady' is probably a great deal more common than on the campus described." This "monopolistic competition" is generally less frustrating and traumatizing than the dating market's "pure competition."
18/ Looping back, what is "the line"? "A conventionalized attempt on the part of the young man to convince the young woman that he has already at this early stage fallen seriously in love with her---a sort of exaggeration, sometimes a burlesque, of coquetry."
19/ The problem with "the line" as false expression of love, is that it precludes the daters from expressing actual feelings of deepening involvement, should they occur: "it renders meaningless the very words by means of which this state of mind could be disclosed."
20/ So, if a couple does fall for each other, a pattern of "lover's quarrels" tends to develop: "Tension grows between A and B, and is resolved by a crisis, such as a quarrel, in which the true feelings of the two are revealed."
21/ This process of mutually redefining a relationship results in a directional trend toward marriage based on idealization and sentimental involvement. "One falls in love when he reaches the point where sentiment-formation overcomes objectivity."
22/ When a couple is deeply involved, "the individual seems to have become a machine specially designed for just one purpose; in consequence, the persons are almost wholly absorbed in themselves and their affair; they have an egoisme à deux which verges upon a folie à deux."
23/ The paper ends there. I found it through Christopher Lasch's book "Haven in a Heartless World". Lasch is concerned with "narcissism" (cf. The Last Psychiatrist) and he had some strong words for the dynamics of contemporary (as of the 1970s) dating:
24/ Lasch: "the peer group exercises its control of matchmaking on behalf of objectives that have nothing to do with 'romantic love.' On the contrary, the dating system repudiates those who make the mistake of falling in love and awards its highest prizes to the cynical."
25/ Lasch: "[dating gives] each sex a sort of in-group morality... Sexual solidarity constitutes the other side of sexual antagonism and exploitation. Yet this solidarity rests on deception---on the deliberate and systematic misrepresentation of the emotions."
26/ My commentary: now that "everyone" goes to college, this "rating and dating complex" grew from a relatively isolated phenomenon restricted to upwardly-mobile middle class strivers, into an entire youth culture. This frames the late 20th century notions of mating.
27/ The process of dating as opposed to courtship has since continued even later, into one's post-college years. Online dating dramatically expanded the size of the competitive market. Thus, we see many people behaving and expressing similar sentiments as in Waller's paper.
28/ The same problems now tend to emerge with online dating: unclear relationship statuses, large groups of people feeling left out, etc. And a few more: in online dating, people are less aware than before of their own relative status; gossip networks less robust or nonexistent.
29/ Where do the unhappy daters go now? In Waller's paper, they complained to their same-sex friend groups. But since close friendships are growing more scarce, people have moved these complaints online. This explains some aspects of "outrage culture."
30/ Online, slighted people form communities around their slightedness rather than commiserating with a more diverse group of friends. Grouping based on this criteria leads to slightedness-as-identity, hence "incels" as well as other areas of grievance-based identity politics.
end/ Many today want a path to intimate relationships that avoids this trauma of the free market. Such a path seems unlikely in today's environment, given our lack of stable communities and ways of life, but who knows what the future holds?
