Thread by @DoctorKirbs

1. Being childless-not-by-choice has been the loneliest experience of my life. The loneliness is almost as bad as the childlessness. A thread. #LonelinessAwarenessWeek #childlessnotbychoice

2. What I wouldn’t give to be able to enjoy baby showers without feeling crushed and utterly alone, to be able to hold my friends’ babies without becoming overwhelmed with grief, to chat with other parents at the soft play centre or the playground.

3. What I wouldn't give to not be told I can never understand real tiredness, or true love, or care about the future of the planet, or feel for the suffering of a child. Or that my opinion about something is invalidated by my childlessness.

4. What I wouldn’t give to not have spent 20 years watching colleagues go on maternity leave, once, twice, three times, following a pathway of life I wished for but will never have an entrance to. Invisible me, quietly getting on with my work, in their eyes never changing.

5. Some people think the childless are stuck in some weird extended child-free adolescence consisting of free time, lie ins, spontaneous cocktails and weekends away. Maybe that’s true for some people, but not for me.

6. My life is full of child-shaped holes. The job with great maternity benefits never taken, the house with a spare room for a nursery never used, and near a lovely primary school that I will never have a child to enrol in.

7. I can’t even join in with Twitter conversations about the challenges of being a woman writer, because nearly all the tweets are about how hard it is to find space / time to write when you’ve got children.

8. And without diminishing that struggle, what I wouldn’t give for my spare bedroom to have a cot or bunk beds instead of a writing desk or to have to snatch brief moments of writing on the kitchen table in amongst my children’s crayons and sticky fingers.

9. 20 years of trying and failing to become a mother has changed me. I have changed as much as mothers have, but for different reasons. Parenthood is a transformative experience, but so is coming to terms with childlessness.

10. I have grown and changed, become more compassionate, more thoughtful, more empathetic. But with every child born, every friendship group that has excluded me, or I have excluded myself from because it’s just too painful, with every baby scan photo that pops up on social...

11. ...media, every new baby photo that arrives in my work email box, for every comment that something I’ve achieved (PhD, writing prizes) doesn't compare to parenthood...

12. ...for every mention of ‘family’ that is really shorthand for ‘families-with-children’ and doesn’t encompass the different sort of family I’ve made – not the family I dreamt of but the one I’ve got and which means the world to me – ...

13. ...for every sacrifice I’ve made to be thought less than the sacrifices parents make (I chose not to bring children into an abusive household, sacrificing my one chance at motherhood out of love for my future children, a sacrifice never celebrated, never acknowledged)...

14. ... I become a little bit more lonely. I’m not sure how to end this thread. A plea, I think, for compassion and empathy, but not pity. Think about your childless-not-by-choice friends, family and colleagues, how they must feel with each pregnancy announcement...

15. ...and when social media is a constant stream of other people’s beautiful children. When the office conversation is nothing but children and grandchildren and lack of sleep. Talk about things other than children once in a while.

16. When parenthood is hard (I believe you when you tell me that it is), try to refrain from telling your involuntarily childless friend that they're lucky not to have children, or that they they're living a free life.

17. Remember that your childless friend is changing and growing as a person, just as you are, and that they are as compassionate and empathetic and caring and invested in society and the planet as you. Be a friendly ear. Listen without offering solutions.

18. Remember how lonely you were when you were a new parent or on maternity leave or struggling with the terrible twos. Your childless friend's loneliness will last for a lifetime. If you're still here, thanks for reading. Be kind. #LonelinessAwarenessWeek #childlessnotbychoice

19. This thread has received a little bit more attention than I anticipated, so I'm adding some Twitter accounts and other resources dealing with childlessness to the thread, as obviously there are many people out there dealing with this stuff alone.

Twitter accounts (not an exhaustive list and apologies to anyone I should have included but have forgotten):

@thedovecoteorg
@walkinourshoes1
@MTLUK
@uberbarrensclub
@LifeWithoutBaby
@GatewayWomen
@canbacelife
@differentshores
@SilentSorority
@TheFullStop1

Men's voices are often not heard in relation to childlessness but these accounts are well worth following (again sorry to anyone I've missed):
@robinhadley1
@SilversRod
@mjhughes67
@sheridanvoysey

World Childless Week @childlessweek happens every September; this year it's 16-22 Sep. On their website, under the community menu, is a comprehensive list of community groups, social groups (e.g. FB groups) and bloggers etc dealing with childlessness. worldchildlessweek.net/home