Thread by @DavidHenigUK

"We want a trade deal in 11 months and as we start with complete alignment that shouldn't be a problem should it?"
"Are you prepared to continue full alignment? In which case sign here..."
"Ah steady on, we don't want to make that promise"
"So what do you actually want?"

"The UK wants full removal of EU tariffs, full access to services, and no product checks"
"And what do you offer in return?"
"We can remove the few tariffs we plan to retain"
"So you want full access to a $16 tn economy in return for removing a few tariffs to a £2.6tn economy?"

"Yes, the UK wants free trade with the EU. Free trade is good isn't it?"
"We thought you left the EU because it was a protectionist racket?"
"Didn't mean it. Promise to be good from now on"
"That's a promise not to deregulate? Sign here"
"I think you misunderstand free trade"

"So if you won't promise not to change what use is it that we start from complete alignment?"
"You give us full access to the EU market from day one, and if we deregulate you take something away"
"We have to renegotiate every time you change the law?"
"Think about your surplus"

"No preferential access to the EU market without treaty commitments on your regulations"
"Can I pretend?"
"Not to us. Just to your voters. We also want your fish"
"Certainly not. The US don't want access to our fishing waters"
"Out of interest what have the US offered you?"

"President Trump says we get a great deal. The best ever. No tariffs to export to US"
"Tariffs are low anyway on what you export to the US. And what do they want?"
"Nothing really. Agree their food is good. Their products safe"
"Now about those checks on UK exports to the EU..."

"So we agreed no checks on UK products to the EU?"
"Sorry, now you have US food not allowed in the EU we need to check everything"
"But my food industry..."

And so on, and so on... trade negotiations /end