Thread by @twt_malaysia

Okay everyone hello hello hello!

I was vanished a couple of hours because I was tracking back all the media I needed for a thread tonight. Well, I promised earlier today for a story-telling. Well, coming right up!

Topic today is in conjunction with Mental Health Awareness programs, so this is some kind of a shoutout to all the people out there who is fighting between insanity and reality. Mind you that I'll be shifting your focus from a time to another. Be prepared!

It was the end of 2015, which marked the end of that 3 years relationship. I was toasted. My studies was toasted. I was battling with PTSD prior to sexual assaults when I was a teenager. Well, a partner supposed to help us & give support, not to make us dwells, right?

Unfortunately, my previous partner didnt fully understands even after I shared with him about my trauma. It was difficult. Because of that trauma, I somehow developed this intense temper and aggressive symptoms. And whenever the symptoms risen, he actually asked to keep it shut

Patients with mental instability has a hard time to comprehend when receiving high pitch intonation, which means we should be more aware and sensitive with how we communicate with our partner with any diagnose, but he was't. And every argument didnt ended up well

(my english sucks) Anyway, silently I developed to released this anger that risen after the arguments. Punch the walls, cries over shower (because clearly nobody hears cries from a shower room). I started to isolate myself from everyone. Why?

Because that particular time, I figured out that whenever I interact with anyone, I will have this anger feelings. There was no healthy coping mechanisms. Metaphorically, there was no one to help me (apparently I dont know how to ask, or what to ask first)

Its like when you are in a class, after a lesson ends, you know that you dont know about something, but you dont know what to ask, or where should you start to point out the question. That is the grey area.

I lost self-esteem because from the past, I couldn't protect myself. I felt like that time, I lost my dignity, lost a listener. Well, there will be a time where you lose someone you could trust, you feel like you are losing the whole world. Its true

I even punished myself. I didn't eat much, I cursed myself and my body the whole time. I didn't even go to any classes. I felt ashamed just walk passed-by my housemates, or even walked to the bathroom. I still remember drank tap water for 3 days straight

I was almost anorexic. I felt extremely sadness, mellow, like the world that hollow. I started to fully depended on alcohol. Almost every night. Sometimes, it were pills that accompanied me. I felt these for 3 months straight. haha that was chaotic

And right after this depressive 3 months, I started to felt different about myself. I came to classes. I can focus, I even asked amazing questions in classes. I even felt extra confident going to nightclubs. I feel *eff great about myself. I even spent RM500 in 2-3 hours.

Talked to strangers (ya know its risky to talk to strangers - especially at those places or even restaurants. I lost track of time in 2016. I cant even remember "Did we even have 2016? *laughs*

Abused stuffs. (just gonna leave until that point). Anddd the hallucination symptoms. People abused for reasons. And some of them just want those whispers, voices or figures to disappear. That was my genius idea. Bijak bebenor

Paling pelik, I started to involved myself in arts and performances (I had no idea why). Outdoor photoshoots, indoor photoshoots, I even involved myself in short films. Macam seronok lain macam. Confident datang taktahu dari mana. Seriously...

Not to mention, fashion runway.

I even surprised even right to share with you guys. Its pretty scary. (I'll share my short films link later on).

*clears throat* anyways ...

The worst part in my journey here was that, the hallucinations forced myself to attempt suicides. *inhales, exhales*

The substance abuse habit was getting worse, and the whispers, saw things that people didn't see. This is psychotic symptom.

My roommate was away for 2 weeks (umrah), I knew that time that I was doomed. Idk which were days, and which were nights. It felt just the same. This time, I wasn't sure that was hypo-manic aggressive state or depressive state (didn't realized at all)

"I gotta get help. That's it. I can't do this anymore! I said to myself.

That one afternoon, with my worst appearance, I forced myself to walk to the counselling office, besides the chancellor building in the campus.

Came to the office, the staff asked me to fill a form

"Aku dah serabut macam ni, kau suruh isi borang?"

Translation: "You want me to fill a form in this state of mind?

I filled the form and circled it big and thick with that black pen on the suicide attempts blank.

The staffs looked at me, panic. "9 am tomorrow, miss sarah".

I woke up late that morning. I cursed myself, getting myself ready and ran as fast as I can to the counselling office. Little that I know that I left my phone on my shoe racks. Here's the shocking part, come read the next tweet.

I was able to hold the anxiety attacks and aggressive emotion on that few hours. But when I walked into that counselling room, where I was invited by a licensed counsellor. She asked me to sit. I started to felt uncomfortable and regretted to attend that session *laughs*

Though I remembered it, she just asked me a question which is means, whats wrong with me? Thats it. But I felt threatened (I dont know why). I tried so hard to shove it down (All the angry emotions, sadness, frustrations- a mixture of feelings). She asked it again and again,

,,I couldn't answer it.
I shook my head and refused to answer it. Up until one point, I couldn't shove it down anymore. I was blank.
I couldn't see anything. It was dark. I swear that time I was in that counselling room.

By the time I woke up, the counsellor was holding my hands. Asked me to istighfar,

"Aikk? Kenapa?

She was breathing heavily while gripping my hands. She quickly called someone on the phone while I was actually blurred of why suddenly the counsellor acted like that

I was being held in the clinic downstairs for few hours, before being rushed to the hospital.

Jeez, the acute psychiatric ward.

I was admitted for a week. There were many lecturers visited me and as well as my classmates (surprisingly people ACTUALLY DO CARE about me)

One thing, "I was wrong. The whole time I was wrong".

People around me are actually do care about me.

I asked one of the lecturers, "Why happened in the counselling room?

"Oh sarah", with soft voice, "you were actually slapped and shoved the counsellor".

I choked.

I asked the doctor, what was my diagnose. "Bipolar 2 disorder" . Well, that explains a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen, being diagnosed is ONE MATTER. And TO LIVE in that diagnose, to swallow the truth, is ANOTHER MATTER. Entirely.

Who felt me here? Quote. (borak sorang-sorang aku)

Anyways, it took me a year to finally accept and to live with the diagnosed. Changing medication 3 times before I found my soulmate pills. Lamotrigine.

I hate Olazapine because it made me increase my weight. And I hate Epilim because its caffeine & alcohol intolerance

Well, I attended all psychiatrist appointments and I even attended psychologist appointment to assist my anger management, communication skills, self esteem and trauma. Remember, it all work, with MEDS AND THERAPIST SESSIONS. Tak boleh salah satu, okay? 👌

So everyone, that was my story. In counselling, what I'm doing is a disclosure technique. It works a lot in my counselling sessions (depends on the circumstances of the session). Anyways, I hope everyone of you here learnt something.

The end.

Any question? Shoot me.