Thread by @billyjoecain

This entire thread is from a friend of mine, Blair Bovbjerg. He allowed me to post this:

The "Steele Dossier," ("pee-pee dossier") is the smoking gun that proves, to all but traitors, that, quite frankly: Russia.

#RussiaRussiaRussiaHaiku
#SteeleDossierHaiku

I have undertaken, as a patriotic duty, the task of rendering this otherwise-opaque document into Haiku poetry, so as to alert my fellow countrymen, lest we hit the snooze-button of doom: (also note that I am available for political opposition research, fee negotiable.)

THE STEELE DOSSIER
ONE MAN'S HAIKU ODYSSEY
TO UNPLUG THE TRUTH

Lazy Russian snow
Blankets the scene of the crime,
Whispers of Treason

The dossier is full,
Like heavy Moscow diaper
Never to be changed

But the truth is golden,
Like an urge, like a torrent,
It must be released:

SUMMARY

Putin, so evil,
Plots behind colorful walls,
Patient as a spider

The lure of riches
Turned down by the Wiley One,
The Spider has more:

Tempting the gonads,
The noose of blackmail tightens,
Voices from shadows:

“Come hither, Tall Man,
Plumb the dark side of Moscow,
So Slavic, so vile!”

All the time plotting
Against America's Queen,
So blameless, so fair

DETAIL

Snickering Russians
Cultivating the target
Rodents wear red stars...

Men listen in vans
Kremlin plotters eye The Queen
She must taste defeat!

And to this foul aim,
“Y” chromosomes rejoicing,
The evil men toil.

Outside, in the snow,
Behind miniskirts of ice,
The bladders are full

Prostitute bellies
Yearn for cabbage and vodka,
And a warm toilet

Their prayers are answered
But the girls must hold it in
Until the bedroom

Cameras rolling,
The frozen ladies enter,
The Client looks on

The bed is mounted
Still warm from Lord Obama,
Soon to be defiled...

The Tall Client nods,
Straining urethras let go,
Slavic bladders drain

Unending, streaming
Sputtering and renewing
Urinary moans

Torrential, steaming,
Guttural Russian laughter,
An easy night's work

The Fiendish Man grins,
The prostitutes count rubles,
No tip for the maid.

Sewage-based voodoo!
Summoned behind Kremlin walls,
Spreads its yellow wings

The crime is complete.
Evil, like urine, unleash'd,
It smells like cabbage

The girls are well-paid
The Client is satisfied
Spider-Putin laughs

MOSCOW RITZ

The trap has been sprung
All things good and decent die
In Satan's soundstage

Blackmail! Treachery!
The Angels of Freedom weep,
Terror owns the world

For years they listened,
Patient, like deep Russian Snow,
Recording it all

The Spider himself
looks on with pride at his sins:
KGB cunning.

SUMMARY

Dungeons and gulags
Weaponized urination
Evil floats downstream

DETAILS

Cyber-crimes are hot
Like splattering lady-piss
They laugh at us still

Compromised nations
Marvel at modern Russia
Water-proof mattress

Devious Rooskies
Feed the girls extra cabbage
To make it smell worse

Yankees eat too much
Incontinental breakfast;
The cuisine of fear

SUMMARY

Night falls in Moscow
Sewers gurgle as dogs snore
Prostitutes relax

Infections erupt
Stories told to leery wives
Putin has the tapes...

Howling urethra
Flexes, Sneers, and declares war,
Free nations tremble

Evil, like lava,
From the Kremlin-Volcano,
Must cover the earth!

Yellowish puddles,
Mirror-like, peer coldly back,
Free men clutch their hearts...

...The dossier stalls,
Tedious, forlorn, and spent,
A poorly told joke

- Blair Bovbjerg

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#SteeleDossierHaiku

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