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On big Trump news nights, Fox News is usually a glimpse into a fascinating mirror universe, where whatever is bad for Trump never happened, and if it did happen, then it was actually good for Trump.
So far tonight, at least in the pre-Hannity hours, that's not really happening.
So far tonight, at least in the pre-Hannity hours, that's not really happening.
There aren't any of the truly batshit quotes I was hoping for, anyway. Though Sen. John Kennedy just came on, so that should change shortly.
Kennedy says Democrats should "fill out a hurt feelings report, and let's move on." I was hoping for something at least 50% more folksy from him.
Okay well, Sen. Kennedy just said that before Democrats 'get all lubed up and dive into impeachment proceedings,' and I am just going to assume this is some Louisianan colloquialism I am unfamiliar with.
Okay back to Fox. Marco Rubio is on now. He thinks it is very inappropriate for Democrats to move towards impeachment before they even get a chance to see the whistleblower complaint. No acknowledgment whatsoever that Trump is trying to ensure that never happens.
But interestingly, Rubio declines to speculate about Trump's behavior being appropriate. Focuses instead on how Democrats shouldn't have moved ahead until they had concrete proof of it.
Talking heads, didn't catch the name: "This is going to do more damage to Joe Biden than Donald Trump. Trump is flexing like he's pretty confident." The host makes an almost muttered side comment of, "We'll see..."
Same guy repeats again that this will harm Democrats far more than Trump. Does not elaborate on why.
Tucker Carlson time. It's been a while since I've watched him, and I am now distracted by his orange glow, reminiscent of Trump, albeit applied better. Tucker wasn't always orange, was he?
Tucker is now showing clips of Lewandowksi being a jackass at his hearing, and crowing about how Nadler collapsed 'live on CSPAN.' Unclear how this relates to impeachment.
Tucker says the reasons for the impeachment inquiry are 'confusing and not all that interesting,' but he'll do his best to explain it. His explanation mostly involves describing now corrupt the Bidens are.
Tucker is now arguing that "no one has even thought to explain" why sending military aid to Ukraine is in the United States' interest, when doing so risks us all dying in a nuclear war with Russia.
Tucker: "We spent all day really trying to understand what the Democrats are saying here," and they came to the conclusion 'that Democrats are saying it's okay for Biden to receive corrupt bribes, but a crime for Trump to ask about it.'
The Federalist dude is on now talking about Democrats committing treason and it's super boring.
"Kabuki theater" should definitely be listed on any cable news drinking game.
I got bored and wandered away. I can still hear the TV though, and in case you were wondering, AOC and the Steele Dossier are to blame for all of this. Somehow.
Someone was shouting "Judge Napolitano is a fool," so I'm back, but I missed the context. Fox is now informing me that pressuring foreign powers to investigate your rivals "is all acceptable behavior by presidents."
Playing devil's advocate, what's the Democratic case for impeachment? "We hate Donald Trump. That's literally all they got. Literally."
Tucker, on pressuring Zelensky to investigate Biden: "I'd do that if I was president. Why wouldn't you? Guess I'd get impeached, ha ha ha!"
Tucker has guest on that's running with the false story Shokin was investigating Burisma. Guest complains that the media isn't asking any questions about this, then says to Tucker, "You know all the questions you would ask!"
Tucker has, notably, asked zero questions about this.
Tucker has, notably, asked zero questions about this.
Brit Hume, making an entirely different point from the one he thinks he's making: "Do you believe Trump would ever release documents that are incriminating? I have my doubts, heh."
Oh god, Hannity is orange now too?!?
I was going to listen to Hannity's opening, but then I forgot. Back now, and there is "breaking news" that the whistleblower was declared to have "political bias" by the IG.
Hannity reports that there will be 'one or two lines' from the Zelensky call that will 'raise eyebrows,' but Hannity want to reassure us that there will be absolutely no smoking guns.
Drink every time they mention AOC in a story that has nothing to do with her.
Lindsey Graham, who is reassuringly not orange, is now on. Says the questions they need to ask are whether it was reasonable to withhold aid from Ukraine while trying to figure how what the new president was like, or to withhold aid to encourage the EU to give more to Ukraine.
Lindsey doesn't seem to have gotten the memo that it's just Ukraine now.
Lindsey Graham wasn't quite Hannity-levels of all-in on the Biden story, but he was closer than I expected. He wouldn't outright accuse Biden of crimes, but would invent hypotheticals of Pence committing crimes, and then ask, "Do you think the media would investigate THAT?"
🚨🚨 Rep. Gaetz is orange now too 🚨🚨
Hannity is arguing Trump had a "responsibility and a duty" to ask Zelensky about Biden's corruption.
Karl Rove is on for some reason. He says nothing of note.
Sarah Sanders is on for some reason. She gives the same speech she always gives. If they were rerunning a clip of her from sometime in 2018, you wouldn't be able to tell.
Hannity now asserts that Biden was repeatedly informed that Prosecutor General Shokin was investigating his son, and then went to Ukraine and fired him. This is not true. Shokin was fired because of his refusal to ever prosecute any significant corruption cases.
Hannity: "They're injecting cancer into us at a level we've never seen before."
Geraldo is ranting about the "wormy punk" whistleblower.
Hannity is over. The failing green screens that make his guests look like AI projections trying to mimic humanity have thankfully ended.
I was just alerted that Giuliani was on, so I am BACK. I have no idea what is going on but it's wild.
Giuliani yelling about another guest: "Turn him off so I can speak!!"
Giuliani's dye job is growing out and it has a real scene hair vibe.
EVERYONE IS YELLING SO I WANT TO YELL TOO
Giuliani is making fish faces. I don't even know.
Meanwhile @AndrewCMcCarthy is trying his best to remain still as a stone, under the mistaken belief Giuliani is like a t-rex and can only see movement.
This is the part where everyone was yelling, still hoping for someone to come through with a gif of Giuliani's fishy faces.
