Thread by @jeremynewberger

MATT LAUER: Welcome back to the Trump Millitary parade. I'm Matt Lauer with cohost Lana Trump for Trump TV.
LARA TRUMP: Lara.
MATT LAUER: Whatever. Coming down Pennsylvania Ave is the US Army Fife and drum corps with honorary parade delegate Scott Baio.
LARA TRUMP: Love him!

MATT LAUER: Interesting fact, President Trump was actually in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines.
LARA TRUMP: Wow!
MATT LAUER: You know how some celebs get an EGOT, Trump has a ANAM.
LARA TRUMP: Look a balloon!
MATT LAUER: I believe that's parade delegate Gov. Mike Huckabee.

MATT LAUER: Next up is a group of soldiers carrying former Trump Advisor Seb Gorka in an ancient Egypt Litter.
LARA TRUMP: He is so great!
MATT LAUER: Little known fact, Seb Gorka is a brilliant military strategist, ever since he got his PhD at the Cap'n Crunch Military Academy.

MATT LAUER: And now folks I believe President Trump will come down that makeshift escalator, take a golf cart over to a platform, sit in an electric chair lift, and hoist up to the top of that diamond covered elephant looking onto the parade route.
LARA TRUMP: He's so energetic.

MATT LAUER: That song we hear from the Navy Marching Band is actually Lee Greenwood's God Bless the U.S.A., but played backwards, as the White House chose not to pay the royalties.
LARA TRUMP: It's still beautiful.
MATT LAUER: Indeed.

MATT LAUER: Oh folks this is a treat, by horseback are some trusted Trump advisors, VP Mike Pence on a white horse, Fox News Sean Hannity on a red horse, Rep Devin Nunes on a black horse, and Newt Gingrich on a pale horse.
LARA TRUMP: Eric!
MATT LAUER: No that's a horse Lara.

BRIT HUME: We have some breaking news Matt.
MATT LAUER: What is it Brit?
BRIT HUME: A woman on the parade route made an obscene gesture, a slight frown, but she was been dragged away from the parade route. I hear the President was never in serious danger.
MATT LAUER: Some people.

MATT LAUER: As these beautiful F-16s fighters go by I want to direct your attention to the detail put into this parade. On the nose of each jet fuselage is a nude pin-up artistic rendering of Ivanka Trump.
LARA TRUMP: Mom!
MATT LAUER: Commissioned by the President himself.

MATT LAUER: Over 10,000 volunteers prepared this Trump Military Parade. When they began they were actually paid employees, but then the gov't shut down so they became volunteers.
LARA TRUMP: America!
MATT LAUER: This parade cost $2 trillion dollars, and Mexico is paying for it.

MATT LAUER: Joining us in the booth is none other than Trump's top Counselor, Kellyanne Conway. That's a terrific costume you're wearing. Revolutionary war?
KELLYANNE CONWAY: I'm not wearing a costume Matt. This is an outfit I got at a Filene's Basement sample sale.

MATT LAUER: This next group marching by, I am not sure which division of the armed forces they represent, but their sign reads White Knights. They are carrying tiki torches.
LARA TRUMP: Patriots!
MATT LAUER: We go now to AL ROKER. What's that? We lost AL?

MATT LAUER: And now the cast of the new hit Broadway Show MNUCHIN will perform their opening number MONEY WALLPAPER. Book and lyrics by Kid Rock. Let's listen in.

MATT LAUER: Interesting alternate fact, the missiles you see are actual nukes controlled by President Trump, and I'm told they're bigger in girth and length, than every other military regime.
LARA TRUMP: So big!
MATT LAUER: Plus they are all pointed towards Chappaqua, NY.

MATT LAUER: Programming note. Immediately following the Trump Military Parade, Joel Osteen, Jerry Falwell Jr., Franklin Graham, Tony Perkins, and Gloria Copeland will host a celebratory prayer service where you can actually touch one of Trump's nuke, for a small fee.

MATT LAUER: Ladies and gentlemen, we have in our booth right now, President Trump's Hologram.
TRUMP HOLOGRAM: Nuke the Muslims!
LARA TRUMP: Daddy!
TRUMP HOLOGRAM: Just kidding.
MATT LAUER: So lifelike.
TRUMP HOLOGRAM: Should we?

MATT LAUER: Thanks for joining us for the Trump Military Parade. The largest military parade in the history of parades, the military, and history itself. I'm off now to a dungeon party at Bill O'Reilly's Oyster Bay swing pad. Thanks for joining us. Come Lara. You like leather?