Thread by @Dreamweasel

Welcome to Day 3 of Nobody Knowing What the Hell the Mueller Report Says But Republicans Swearing Up and Down That It Fully Exonerates Trump

TRUMP: I’m going to destroy Obamacare!

D: Let’s see the Mueller report

TRUMP: We’re building the wall!

D: We want to see the full report

TRUMP: Keep America Great! Vote Trump 2000!

D: Show us the report

R: Silly Democrats! 😂 Everyone’s already moved on

R: Based on a report that neither I nor anybody else has actually read, we can safely conclude that the FBI investigation was a Democrat-driven witch hunt of a completely innocent man whom the country supports in his mission to build an enormous border wall

NYT: (sigh) Print it

FOX: Mueller Report Lets Trump Completely Off Hook

BREITBART: Mueller Report Praises Trump’s Athletic Build and Thick Head of Hair

NRATV: Chicks Dig Men With Guns, According to Mueller Report

D: I suspect the Right is just gonna spin this as long as they can

R: FAKE NEWS

CARLSON: Mueller Report Concludes Immigrants Are Destroying America

HANNITY: Planned Parenthood Implicated in Mueller Report

ALEX JONES: Mueller Report Confirms Hillary Clinton Pedophile Ring in Pizza Parlor

DEMS: JUST SHOW US THE REPORT

McCONNELL: Nah

🐸: LOL gullible NPC soy boys believed the leftist lamestream media narrative about Russian collusion 🤣 gloat gloat gloat 😂

D: Well, the full Mueller report must be even more vindicating to Trump. Let’s see the whole thing

GOP: YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS