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Brexit speeches currently ongoing at Tory conference. It's like a school nativity play for economic illiterates.
Liam Fox is up. "OK, it's time for some optimism," he starts. This'll be fun.
Anemic applause from a hall of the walking dead.
Little Timmy doing very well reading all the words.
Christ this is dire. Even those broken people in the hall can barely bring themselves to applause.
"Doesn't it annoy you when they preface any bit of good economic news with the words 'despite Brexit'?" Silence. "Well doesn't it?"
They rouse themselves to polite applause.
"We will leave the European Union and with it the single market and customs union at the end of March 2019". Eh?
PM just made a speech specifically ruling that out.
Fox now listing all his preferred holiday destinations. Sorry, I mean markets for imaginary trade deals.
"We've established 12 working groups!" A year ago he was promising he'd have free trade deals well on the way by now.
Then he realised it was illegal and also impossible so he shut up.
It's alright though because he has set up a website "showcasing Britain to the world".
Great dot something dot UK forward-slash bellend.
Remain groups should hire Fox. He's a walking argument to reject Brexit.
Fox now wants to talk about the OECD assessment of G20 countries.
He didn't mention earlier, in his really compelling 'despite Brexit' bit, that it put us at bottom of the league table for growth.
"Let's be upbeat! Let's be positive! Let's be optimistic!" Sounds like David Brent trying to convince the new staff that he's funny.
"We are not any of us passengers in our destiny." Amazing. Maybe he wants us to focus on dreamcatchers and incense exports.
We're going to be world leaders in grating hippy bullshit.
Oh good and now it's David Davis. They could have at least given us a ten minute break to inject ourselves with heroin.
DD looks like he hasn't slept in years.
"Even now a year later I get people coming up to me and saying 'good luck'." Yeah I bet they do mate.
"We have been given a one-off time limited extraordinary opportunity*"
*Terms and conditions apply. Warning: This extraordinary opportunity may blow your face off.
