Thread by @ItsUncleStephen

Brethren. You see some quiet babes ehn, fear them. If they bring out their 50shades of ROYGBIV and show you their inner Christian,Muslim,Hindu and Sango Grey, you sef go fear.

In my younger days, I met one.

Iss Another Thread o
Enjoy!

I honestly wish I could say this thread also involves Progress my unfortunate friend but no. Though I know if I trace it, somehow he must be involved.

So I met Tomi. A Quiet, seemingly naive babe, older than me. I was 21 she 26.

I liked her and she liked me we weren't dating

Babe was so shy that she wouldn't even attempt 2 kiss me or do PDA if people were der. I had 2 empty my street of pple, padlock my gate, secure my door with fingerprint nd face recognition,den hire bouncer 2 man d door b4 we can play flavor's kporokoto kpom kpom with our bodies

Imagine my shock when one day after sex, exasperated, she declared we needed to spice things up.

She said though our act seemed to have pepper, it lacked Maggi and Onga. And even the pepper, she needed the Cameroonian flavour; hot and very spicy.

Ah!

She wailed, that i was treating her like an egg. Meanwhile she was tortoise shell. Las las she crack but she won't shatter.

Though she said i wasn't cooking indomie, you know, 3mins and the food has cum, she wanted the 3hrs Iron beans i cooked to be spiced with plantain biko

Or at the very least, I should add some pap and thicken the plot a little. This she said to me, as i lay supine, collapsed beside her, thinking what i had been doing had gone skrrr pa! PapapaPa!

Only now to realise man wasn't hot. Man dey do better cold room something since.

I didn't mind getting freaky, turning the heat up to shedrach meshach and abednego furnace levels but playing on my mind, was what happened with amanda, where I was forming game of thrones Dothraki, riding her like a unicorn, when she started screaming 'spank me daddy' 

Ah!

I was stroking the behind lightly, doing tospi, when she screamed for daddy again(why always daddy) to spank harder.

Carried away, on cloud 15.21 nd in no mood to reject such daughterly requests, I blew correct breeze on my hand and spanked. Hard ba? 

Tawaii!!!

Next thing i heard her wail. From Amanda her inner Chinasa surfaced and she screamed

"daddy'm oooooooo"

Lord knows, carried away as i was, i wanted to respond like in that old Nigerian song Ollie gee sang

'I mana love egbugom egbu'.

Babe cried like it was the funeral of a loved one. I spent the entire night feeling like shit and saying sorry. That 9t was our 1st together and best believe when she left, our budding tryst 'shared the Grace'
She must have thought me a brutal mike tyson. Small daddy i be wan do

So it was with mixed feelings that i approached Tomi's Maggi cooking contest. I agreed we needed more nd i thought of d myth about quiet babes and how if they bring out their mind and handle u, at midnight, you'll be greeting good afternoon cos you'll be feeling heat like its 2pm

But PS; It's not all quiet babes oh. Before you go and carry the one my friend Progress carried who used so much teeth while giving my man Bolaji aka BJ, that he felt circumcised afterwards.

Whether she think say na ORBIT only lawd knows.

I said to Tomi 'Domina! Do with me as you please'. She smiled and my fate was sealed.

My mind was like. Anyhow she bring am. After all na black pot dey produce white agidi.

In 5 days, she was back at our usual hotel, the evil forest, where the gods of coitus would be summoned. I had all the tools ready. Palm frond between my lips; White chalk drawn around my left eye. Ofo in hand for protection; A sexual eze mmuo ready for consultation

With the door locked, faster than you can say rochas okorocha build me a statue, we had shed our clothes like a second skin.

Domina took control.My hands and legs were spread apart left and right, like the two thieves on the cross and tied to the bed posts with sturdy ropes.

Ropes which she extracted from her bag. Brethren if you see the ease with which this girl tied me up. I said to myself No! No! No! you can't tell me otherwise. This babe don do kidnapper work before.

Aunty evans Leleyi!

Spread there like B without BB; a train without an engine, she extracted a plate of ice cream from the refrigerator, poured on my chest, neck, and U know (like sarkodie says)what else - obidibiponde(or whatever it is he says)I see some of you smiling knowingly. I salute U Baba O!

As she ran her tongue over me, tasting here,licking there, i realized how the ice cream itself feels wen we run our tongues over it. Brethren ice creams are enjoying oh.I felt good.Like a coldstone steve austin. Emem? Amem!

Then Her tongue moved downwards.

People.People! How many times did i call your name? Cold ice cream and warm lips conspired to make sure what i got wasn't Bolaji aka Bj but his father Alhaji Chief Dr Bolaji Chukwuma Adekunle Ciroma!

Amem again?
Oh! Glory! Glory!

Next thing story change. She raised the bar.

Babe undid the ropes tying my hands. Brought out handcuff and a whip from her bag, handcuffed me, then while testing the whip in the air, told me the safe word is 'RED ORANGES' 

Chineke gawd of my geography! What is happening here bikonu! Tomi? The shy one?

Her eyes had a glint to them. This was her turf. She then blindfolded me. I could feel her walking around me, contemplating me. Then Twak! the whip landed. It was painful and sweet initially but nna after a while ehn the sweetness did fly away Peter fly away paul

Twak!
You've been a bad boy haven't you? She said.

Deep in pain, in my mind I'm like ees true. Aunty how did you know.

Twak! Twak!

Ah!  Tears don full my eye.
I had to confess something and be free.

Twak! Twak!

Yes oh! I've been a bad boy.

I was confessing random sins. I have stolen, I have fornicated, I have worshipped other gods, I have even coveted my neighbour's wife.

Twak!

Twak! 

Twak!

Omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes i am a bad boy. I should be in kiri-kiri, I am anenih sef! 😪

Next she tried to authenticate my mother's identity.

Twak!

Who's your mummy now.
😩😪😪 Aunty is you na. As you dey flog me so no be your pikin i be? It is you who sat and watched my infant head while i slept on my cradle bed.

Twak!

Stop biko. Red blue orange tree abeg 😪😪

Next aunty on candle to pour d wax on my apparatus. She claimed it gives a bitter sweet kind of pleasure.
Things were quickly taking the shape of jungle justice.First I had been stripped naked, handcuffed then beaten.Now she dey bring fire near to stimulate her papa.

Finally she uncuffed me. Time to answer Wole! That night she was Tomi 3.0; a feistier, crazier version. Everything was extra. 72 instead of 69, we did. Tortoise style we did. Monkey in the snake shadow we did. On top and under bed we did.And if fridge for enter us? Then obago

Spank me harrrrrrrd she screamed.

Me? After all the Twak!ing. I was gingered.

Tawai!!
I spanked. But no matter how hard, babe wanted it harder. I was considering using the side stool beside the bed to spank her. What nonsense?

Babe wanted more.
Get me a belt she said

Me? I brought belt oh. She tied it around her neck and gave me the other end to pull. From the back, i was spanking, pulling belt, doing wande coal's rotate with my waist. Babe was still asking me to pull tighter. 

Blood of Magodo.See end time child oh! 

I sha pulled harder

The more i pulled and spanked, the better feedback I was getting, like i was doing the work of she that sent me.Then with a loud cry,a ripple traversed the length of her brown body and she collapsed beside me. I shook her and no response.

😦

I could see the newspaper and blog headlines clearly.

'50 shades of Black; Humor writer roughly penises innocent, quiet, girl to death'

Ah my young 21 life.

Luckily, in time, she recovered, saying what we did was beautiful
[in my mind i say make ogun kee her kee beautiful]

and next time we'll step it up another notch. She still had some more tricks to teach young me

I'm like;

Ehnnnn! Oh! Thank you oh! Aunty magician. I'm not among abeg.

Had to come up with excuses to avoid her. Anything biko. Even told her my grandfather, long dead, re-died. Anything abeg.

Can't go to kiri kiri abeg. She should teach others because me 👇

THE END.

Ps; This is an excerpt from the Humor Book I'm working on (good publishers can get with me)

RT, share, Follow etc. More stories coming, check my likes for others

Thanks for the mad love so far.
With Love
Uncle Stephen.

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