Thread by @docbhooshan

Thread.
A common occurrence in Indian Schools and homes - a child transgresses a limit or does something nasty and adult knows that child has done it.

Child is called to a meeting of one (usually many) adult/s and child.
Situation is described in third person and passive voice.

Child is expected to own up and confess.

This "own up and confess" part is a relic of a specific religion's influence on our education system and begining of permanent damage of relationship between child and authority figures. Let me explain.

Adult wants to take higher moral ground and feel "benevolent". But this requires a compliant child who will give such gilded moral opportunity to the adult.

Adult's plan and desire to forgive the child and even praise him for confession definitely needs a pliant child who is willing to manipulate this adult by giving a teary confession.

It is essentially a game of mutual satisfaction.
As long as you give me (adult) an opportunity to forgive you in a specific way, you can get away with most transgressions.

Young kids and dogs usually play along well in this game.
Hence those cute videos of guilty babies and dogs.

But this pink and purple life usually ends by the time they are 6-7 years old (humans, not dogs.)

And real conflict starts.

Child way of throwing spanner in the works has specific steps (almost universal strategy)
1. Express surprise and share adults' disgust at the event.
2. Deny any prior information about it and even volunteer some help in investigations and throw around names of old rivals.

3. When shown specific evidence, deny the evidence completely and get into "Indian evidence act" to challenge the gathering and validity of evidence.
4. Once again deny any connection with the event.

5. Long phase of arguments, counter arguments that usually tire out the adult (they always have "more important" work waiting.

When child suspects a window of opportunity, they throw a morsel at the adult with acceptance of some mistake.

Adult finally breaths easy and gets into benevolent mode again.

Both come away feeling victorious but actually the adult lost this battle of will and the child now knows the adult better than the other way around.

Children who refuse to give such honorable retreat to adult, are called names - liar, antisocial, immoral, bad influence, moral hazard, potential criminal, etc.
If the adult is non parent (e.g. school teacher), child's parents also face similar labels for "bringing up" such devil

What is a sensible way to deal with such situations
Without losing relationship with the child?
If we give up moral stand and behave like "real" adults, there is a way out that is positive and constructive.

I will wait for your responses and opinions before writing further.
Except abuse, all opinions are welcome.

Thank you for all the answers.
I think most answers are nicely solution focused and right IMO.
Principles of engagement are -
1. Be sure of your evidence and be in a position where you don't need any more factual information.

2. When you reach this level of certainty, summon the child.
3. Tell them straight up that "you did this".
4. Don't get into "but I didn't do this..." discussion.
5. Clearly tell the child what you expect -

a. I want you to return the doll/book/money you picked up.
b. Your consequence is ....
6. Short, sharp, clear, unambiguous communication is the key.
7. Make sure the consequence involves repaying the hurt party in kind.

Most important part is after the child finishes consequence, you give a pat on the back and appreciate their willingness to make good.
Don't forget to tell the child, "this is over. Let's move on" and mean it. Repeated references to past deeds is a deal-breaker.

Aim of this exercise is to use it as educational opportunity to let the child learn that there are boundaries and consequences for crossing those. But there is hope too.

Some kids learn to respect boundaries and some learn to be more creative :)

But none becomes argumentative (atleast with you)

If you are a teacher, it is important to develop this reputation of a fair, no nonsense but kind disciplinarian.

As parent, you want to be seen by your kids as responsive and sure but no pushover.
It is a long long relationship without exit option so the less drama , the better it gets.

As usual comments welcome.

As you must have noticed, I am in favour of human rights of protection from torture and I believe I have same right as adult in the relationship.

Don't approach this when you are less than sure of evidence.

All discussions must happen AFTER the consequence completed by the child.

Opinions welocme.
Thanks for reading