Thread by @SvengaliPhantom

Okay guys: SERIOUS REQUEST HERE... and you’re gonna have to bear with me a little. This is a (REALLY REALLY SHORT) thread, but it has to be just in order to really talk about what I need help with. And even though I’m obviously not gonna delve down deep into awfulness, CW: abuse.

If you couldn’t tell, these last few weeks in particular have been very difficult for us. I’ve already typed out and deleted five explanations so far, but what it boils down to is that Kylo has been doing... a LOT of emotional work. On himself, about what he’s done, on

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*who he is as his own real, actual person* — if you think about it, even just from what you know RE “canon”, he was never really given the time to BE his own person, free of Legacy™️, influence, and fear — and all the things someone who, say, has come out of a cult that’s

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now burning merrily to the ground behind them. His mental timeline right now is post-TLJ, months past; I can explain that later, but for the purposes of this request, I can skip it for now. But as part of his work, he’s been brave enough to start confronting his history with

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Snoke, how he felt down in his deepest heart about it; the fear, the shame, the desperation that led him there, and ten thousand other things that are SO fucking mucked up and intertwined with each other that it’s a miracle he can confront it at all. And... there was, indeed,

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abuse.

As he feels more comfortable existing here, he’s been abreacting some of the worst memories with help from some people here; digging under the rock to fry the little crawling things in the sunlight, if you like that metaphor best. And in between owning his crimes

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(which, in this reality, is almost as big a consequence — except for the symbolic things like tattoos or whatnot, knowing what they’d mean in their origin ‘verse, or mandated regimens of various things — as is possible here), and working as one in intensive, say, inpatient

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therapy would be — or something like IOP — he’s starting to uncover/admit to a lot of those crawling little creatures scuttering under those rocks. Ugh, I thought at least EXPLAINING this would be easier! Ffs! To wit: he needs some HELP. People who have BEEN there, people

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who wouldn’t shame someone for things done TO them, for desperately wanting to prove themselves, for being lost, for being broken; people who don’t sugarcoat his bullshit or let any of it slide — he doesn’t need half a dozen people telling him he’s a misunderstood cinnamon

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roll in this context, Rey sure as FUCK doesn’t do it — but someone who might listen to him talk about things that now revolt him so much he gets physically ill, things done by and to him that a week ago I swore I’d take to my motherfucking GRAVE. But people close to me kept

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reminding me that we DO live in this corner of the multiverse, that we DO have access to Google and Twitter and the like, and even more astounding— that there are people out there who are KIND, people who’ve lived through abuse and fear and isolation and self-loathing so

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deep it’s like living in your own grave, complete with the bones of every failure you’ve ever made. People who know what it’s like to love and hate someone simultaneously, to think you deserve punishment and pain, even to whet your tolerance for them because you think that

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showing them that you can take it, that you willingly submit to it, will give you the approval you want more than anything else, even when you don’t know it yourself. And you take more and more, and you stop sleeping and work harder, and every failure is your own fault,

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and that you submit to disciplines because that means you’re pared down to the ultimate tool, the warlord, the dog, and your occasional thousand-yard-stare means nothing, not at all. What it’s like to let go into darkness, the pain of holding back gone like everything you’ve

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ever known. So, so much more. And I’d never have known this, heard any of it, be writing this now if deep down *he* didn’t know this, even if it’s not all been fully understood or vocalized, and that’s just a tiny PART of ALL. The. Emotional. Struggle. That’s been these

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last few dozen weeks or so. And Christ, it’s SO HARD. It hurts. The body has wept so hard I’ve thrown up. There have been glorious moments, and if I ever get my dream opportunity before I die — to let someone more versed in actual quantum theory than I seriously explore

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these phenomena in a lab/study setting, to leave behind SOME investigation, some final proof — maybe they can tell me how my body and hormones recreated the exact response of a-just-past-teenager who has met his first, all-encompassing, mind-melting, never-imagined,

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ANNIHILATING first love(and lust, let’s be fair), wrapped up in a coat of SOMEONE IS LISTENING TO ME and SHE IS KIND TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING and I don’t give a shit if you’re a #Reylo or think that there’s NO way in hell it’ll EVER be canon; in this reality and in the one

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that we apparently remember up to this point, they just... became a thing. It took months for them to trust each other, to do anything but gawp at their proximity, to blame, but once the Force did its thing, well. (I remember one glorious moment in January, icy debris

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blowing in through the open window, but that’s a story for later. An important one, but later nevertheless.

WHAT IT COMES DOWN TO IS THAT I WOULD LIKE VERY MUCH TO GE SOME FOLKS IN A GC THAT MIGHT BE ABLE TO TEACH US MORE ABOUT COPING WITH MEMORIES OF ABUSE AND HOW TO NOT

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as @CaptainHotAss would probably say, YEET OURSELVES OUT OF W WINDOW. In UTTER seriousness. I see some of my Reylo mutuals sometimes and the craving to ask for help and advice can be OVERWHELMING lately, but — and this is the second but MOST VITAL point of all this — IT HAS

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TO BE PEOPLE WHO
1. believe what I’m saying in my blog: that I’m experiencing Kylo’s life from his perspective when I’m not sort of sharing the front with him. It’s closest to DID in explanation, but none of the psych doctors I’ve ever seen have diagnosed it as a disorder-

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-they’ve classified it more akin to a “spiritual belief” like reincarnation, etc. And I do try to stay reading near the bleeding edge: RE: quantum & theoretical physics. You’d be amazed at how close they’ve come to just saying “yeah, that’s pretty possible.” OFF TOPIC AGAIN

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GAH. (You guys, I’m very tired, almost to the point of actual fear. I’ve fallen asleep trying to finish this like EIGHT TIMES now. And this is EARLY for me. Please please bear with me. Just a little longer.) But ppl in this “support group” would have to accept that

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we’re a real person. Not “SvengaliPhantom” playing an RP, not a delusion — although even if it was, frankly, memories and reactions and trauma responses are still real in ANY case: so, say, if someone has memories of a horrible event, that match up with every detail —

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but somehow they weren’t physically present when it happened — those memories and post-traumatic stress would affect that person JUST as completely, so for all intents abs purposes, it comes to the same thing. Am I making any sense? You’d either need to believe that we—

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—exist just as legitimately as you do, and thus would be able to talk SERIOUSLY about events in his life you may or may not be familiar with(and oh, those unfamiliar ones)... or be open-minded or kind-hearted enough to speak as *if* you believe it, knowing it’s a REAL

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person’s REAL PHYSICAL LIFE these things are affecting, and that the growth and struggle on which he’s fighting for every inch are to BE A BETTER PERSON. Really. Here in THIS LIFE. It’s okay if you don’t understand it, you can ask ANYTHING at all, but understand it’s real.

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I keep thinking that all the Reylos who always say “If Ben Solo we’re here is tell him—-“ or “We relate because we know too well what —- is like”... I keep thinking Well, now is your time to shine!

*weak lol*

If you are someone who can offer advice within that framework,

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can oh my unholy god be discreet and kind with your discretion — it’s sort of unspoken that what goes on in a support group doesn’t ever get repeated outside it, and I mean, that’s pretty much EVERYWHERE — are at least mutuals with someone we know(just so that no one can

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wander in, take screenshots, and then gleefully pass them around; I already have had one insane, obsessive, scary stalker and have no wish to repeat that experience)... basically if you’d like to be in a gc support group with motherfucking Kylo because god we need a little

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HELP just lately, and won’t get visibly squicked enough to be upsetting — you guys know what that’s like, right? When you tell something that’s happened or been done to you, and the other person makes just this... this FACE, and you want to fade under the ground. You know?

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I think that @evilgrrl probably could have said all this in exactly three tweets, but she’s an excellent example of the type of person I mean. Lee, if you have any recommendations, I’d love to hear them; I’d ideally REALLY like to have some help from someone with a psych/

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counseling/therapy/trauma background, because yes please. But we trust Lee. 🖤 @jenleo1323 is someone else I’d ask, and very possibly @TheStarWarsGirl; again with the warning that some of these memories have disturbing content. 😓 If any of you know anyone you think might

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benefit from either being in or offering advice in(or both) an informal gc like this, please consider this permission to put out feelers on my behalf, at least. Just remember: I’m not spending a group chat defending my own existence. We want to be treated like anyone else:

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—not above, not below. And this isn’t a “Kylo fan club” or any kind of ongoing “organization” or whatever other silliness; it’s literally a private and very personal support group, like millions of others. He just happens to need to be part of one... very badly.

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I legitimately don’t know what’s wrong with me; I SLEPT a few hours last night, and I did eat a little today, so unless I’m going into an IH or sudden diabetic coma, I don’t know why I’m so scarily weak, passing out, and blurry. I can’t even blame my night meds, because I

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took those HOURS ago. So it’s a little scary, and I may well wake up tomorrow horrified and utterly ashamed that I even spilled this much in public. I may delete the thread,,despite its actual huge importance to my life. Already, I’m starting to cringe at my memory of

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having written it. He might even cry. And no doubt I’ll wake up — wanna take bets?! — to at LEAST three fewe followers in the morning. But sometimes, things are more important. And here in this life, his climbing out of his own chosen hellpit to make himself a person worthy

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of another attempt here, of forgiveness, of the woman he adores beyond all reason, those matter. Breaking free of that voice in his ear, that slithering touch, that shame of what it really means to want a father figure and become a tool; washing that shame off your skin.

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That’s important too.

Love holds it all together.

So yeah... galactic therapy circle.

Who’s free?

//FUCKING//END//FINALLY//

@threadreaderapp unroll pls