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Morning news brief: every single person running for president said and/or did something complete stupid
As your next president I will take a centrist position, and use my Sharpie to direct the man-made hurricanes to wipe out overpopulated areas, which will reduce demand for the plastic straws which are killing our turtles
Next, I will confiscate all the gasoline cars and force China to buy and drive them until the Chinese sea levels rise, wiping out China, which will save high paying American jobs while simultaneously paying for my wall with Canada
Sorry, I am going to name myself as my own Vice President to dissuade any would-be assassins
I will govern through a broad bipartisan consensus, guided by my Cabinet of The Squad, Steve King, Judge Roy Moore, Ted Nugent, Louis Farrakhan, the cast of Will & Grace, Jacob Wohl, and that twitchy kid from Sweden
Together we will go after the fat cats on Wall Street, forcing them to pay for the sea walls that will keep out illegal foreign hurricanes, and make them use ticker tape again for the many parades you will be throwing for me
