Thread by @usnehal

My family, knowing how close I was to my #mother, is trying really hard to fill the gap

They mean well, but are wired so differently from me & see the world so differently, that it’s making it worse - I miss her more

She can’t be replaced
She’s gone

#COVID19 #grief

I am one of these circles.

I essentially want to be a circle of one right now, though.

Others’ ways of processing grief or their ideas of what I need can frustrate.

Everyone knows I was very close to Mommy.

But only I can take care of myself.
No one else can help me.

https://twitter.com/epflcswccm/status/1381937346262790145

It’s not unique to grief. I accepted, a long, long time ago: only I can help myself.

I did find some sense of community in informal grief circles online. That meant a lot and helped in the first month. Now, it is just so personal, what my mother meant to me.

If you look at Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, belonging is below self actualization.

I feel trapped & suffocated by the “belonging.”
I am me. Take it or leave it.
If membership is exclusive while excluding or owning, no thanks.
I want to create & learn.

simplypsychology.org/maslow.html#gs…

The way others love you is through their own lens. That’s the challenge of relationships. Each of us is often giving in a way we may want to receive or based on how we define merit or “good.”

Sometimes you just want to be free

It is part of being a woman on the #neurodiversity spectrum, learning to be nonjudgmental towards others who love you in ways that will never be aligned with how you actually are. People mean well but they are how they are and you are how you are.

theweek.com/articles/87871…

I literally even also took my own self for neuropsychological testing, but unfortunately after waiting 6 weeks for the appointment, had a migraine that day so not sure how accurate the results were. I was SO annoyed at some tests that felt silly & made low effort.

What I heard was that in tests that were grouped with every domain I scored both very high & very low - so then there was no pattern & no diagnosis. It may have reflected migraine-induced annoyance at testing itself. Even in grad school sometimes I'm like "this is stupid"

In one core class in grad school, the professor had told us over & over to do the pro formas ourselves else we could not pass the exam. I was moving citites, had other priorities (like buying & putting up wallpaper, duh). I really started studying the day before. The exam was 😱

I knew they REALLY don't want to fail anyone in #executive #education. I knew the professor advised us (& is always my strategy) to leave no question blank. I went through ALL the questions, put down equations, how to interpret & apply, did no math. Then tried some calculations.

I emailed him: I knew my work was subpar & if I did not pass, I'd do whatever make up work was needed to demonstrate needed competency to pass. I had also been warning him ahead of the exam "You know that person you tell us not to be? Who waits to end to stidy? I'm that person"

Ultimately, I don't do things the way I'm "supposed" to do them, I even flat out defy the warnings, then I find another way to fulfill the obligation, while still being honest, transparent, & ethical. It's how you navigate life if you have neurodiversity. archive.pov.org/neurotypical/l…

The only reason I can do this is cuz had the mother I had.

I was "supposed" to develop anxiety, depression, & crushing low self-esteem. I was "supposed" to fail.

I do the things to fail in life, then succeed. If one stays confident, one can negotiate with people & situations.

But the purpose of parents, the idealized version of parents, is to offer a combination of nurturing, protecting, empowering, framing plus other stuff. Our internal voices, self-talk, are affected by that. I likely have some version of #ADHD. I push it to the edge, leap, land.