Thread by @pptsapper

It's Sunday night and that's the time that we do what, Twitter people?

If the answer is "have some booze and think about how the senior officers of the US Army on the northern border were complete imbeciles in 1812," you're absolutely correct

Look, i am who I am, ok

Bear in mind that I'm also making dinner as I do this which means that I might substitute some garlic for some Henry Dearborn or maybe vice versa

Also, gin

So. To start off with. War of 1812. It's really a mess

You've got Jimmy Madison in power. He's of the Democratic Republicans, the party to scare the shit outta any independent. The D-Rs, they're for small guvmint, low taxes, small army, small Navy, and just basically getting reelected

And they don't like the British

On the other side, you've got the Federalists. Mostly rich and really rich dudes who are basically really fond of the Brits and sometimes get some really lustful thoughts when thinking about monarchy and get freaked out by pure democracy

So, shit is polarized af in a time where shit is also scary af. The Brits are seizing seamen and not abandoning their forts on our borders per Treaty of Paris and all that and also not letting us trade with whoever we want

Altho they agree to stop doing those things in 1812

Nevertheless, the D-Rs are pretty committed to this war thing, especially because a groundswell of support from politicians in Tennessee and Kentucky and Pennsylvania who are pretttttty sure that they can TOTALLY snag Canada at this time bc that's what Kentuckians are experts in

A word about out FRENS UP NORTH

Look y'all,at this point, no one in Britain wants to move to Canada. Too cold. So the population is part French habitants, part reluctant Brit settlers, a BIG part Loyalists who went north, and "late Loyalists" aka US ppl who want cheap land

Population-wise, it ain't even a contest. US wins. Hell, most of the Canadians are like "ugh just get on with it and get it over with so we can move on with our lives"

So, you might be saying, man, the US has this thing wrapped up. Britain is too busy with Napoleon Shortaparte to send much help to Canada, we outnumber them, this should be....

A mere matter of marching?

Enter: Henry "there's a Federalist under my chair" Dearborn, US Army, commanding

Now Hank, he goes wayyyy back. Ol boy was at Bunker Hill

but

That was a loooong time ago

Since then, he's intrigued to try to start a war with Spain & worked to remove most Federalists from Army

War kicks off - Congress is like "UNLEASH YHE KRAKEN INTO CANADA" only there's no kraken because the US Army is miniscule & underfunded. Madison is like "THE MILITIA" but didn't bother to check the state constitutions that said "no, militia can't play over international borders"

Madison is all, "Hank Dearborn, go DO SOMETHING" but Dearborn is just hanging out in Boston for... A while. Like queen liz with Jesuits, Dearborn worried there was a Federalist behind every tree, undermining him. Sliiightly paranoid, this guy.

As commander of the Northeast, Dearborn had SO MUCH TO DO

Basically, the sitch was the same as tje French and Indian War with the Brits in the place of the French and the US in place of the Brits. There were 3 key points: Detroit, Niagara, and Lake Champlain corridor

Now, Detroit. You've got General William Hull, who's another veteran of the RevWar aka OLD. He's the first governor of the Michigan territory. Bill Hull takes a force of 1200 milita & regulars out to Detroit, from southwestern Ohio

Now this is where Hull makes a major boo boo

He doesn't get the memo that there's a war on because he starts his movement in May, when there's still peace. So he sends all his private baggage, including his campaign plans, on a schooner up the river to Detroit. The Brits, who are aware there's a war on, capture it

Oops

Hull gets to Detroit & has a force of about 2800 men. So, y'know, he invades Canada in July & issues the inhabitants of Windsor Ontario a nice proclamation to the effect that they're all free, or whatever

So the D-Rs are like wooooot, we winnin this thing already

The Brits had two things going for them: Major General Sir Isaac "oh fuckit, let's attack" Brock, and a sturdy alliance with First Nations people

Have I mentioned how terrified US people were of the First Nations/Native Americans?

You bout to find out

Brock shows up with like 1200 regulars, militia, and Shawnee, ambushes ONE US patrol, And Hull scuttles back to Detroit & locks himself up. Brock comes knocking & is like "uh, so if you surrender now, I can guarantee your safety from the Indians" and Hull is like never

Jk.

Hull

Within TWO MONTHS of declaring war suddenly the US has lost upper Michigan as well as a big portion of its force and damn, we didn't have much to play with

But, hey, that's Michigan. No one cares about them. What's goin on in upstate NY?

Well, up on the Niagara, you got.. aw shit, I can't spell this drunk. Stephan van Rens. Ren. Kylo. Rensselaer, that's the chap. And he is PEAK FEDERALIST. Like, no shit, one of ten wealthiest people in the US. Ever. By the time Of his death, he's worth 101 billion in our money

Madison offers Steve command of army on the Niagara but it's a trick! If he refuses, his political career is more toasted than I am right now

He accepts it. And now Madison is like fffuuuuuuu cause there's a dude in command who's now spending half his time hobnobbing w Brit Os

In their camp up on the river, the Army is composed of militia who are mainly D-Rs and they wanna rumbllllllle

But Steve is all about that "hanging around with Brit officers life" and not about invading Canada

Making matters WORSE Is regular brigadier Alexander Smyth who's subordinate to van... Van.. that Ren guy

Smyth does NOT like to be subordinate to a Federalsit and a militiaman and so just makes fun of Ren the whole time & doesn't support him

To make it WEIRDER D-R politician turned general Ben Porter moves in around Buffalo to start his OWN army, one that is devoted to the MANLINESS of the US cause, full of D-R militia who spend a lotta time raising Federalist houses and hotels cause that's how the war works, right?

Now in Oct, Van Kylo Ren realizes he's gotta do SOMETHING and makes plans to cross the river and attack. Smyth decides not to support because fuck that dude. So they go across the river and at first things go well. Till Van Rens takes five bullets and the attack stalls

Some militia decide that they ain't gonna play and don't cross the river, so Brock attacks cause it's what he does but then he gets killed but it's still enough to push the US forces back across the river even though LTC Winfield Scott is all "IM TRYING, OK"

So the Battle of Queenston is uhhhh basically a nada.

Smyth is now in command and he spends most of his time arguing with Porter up the river

Not just arguing

Duelling

As a historian says, "Unfortunately, they both missed"

Ok, so that's two routes shut down. How bout that third one. Ya know, the one aimed up that big ass river? The St Lawrence. That one. Weeeelllllllllll there's a problem there. David Parish lives right in that area. And he don't want trouble.

Why should anyone care?

Wellll, dudebro has underwritten some big ass loans to the US government which is flat broke, btw, and needs the money to keep fighting a really unpopular war

Sooooooo despite one short attempt in 1813, no one goes the way that guaranteed success in that war...the 7 years one

So, uh, to recap year one, the US loses northern Michigan and then collapses slowly around Niagara and doesn't even bother to go up the actual successful way

British commanders are like

So, uh, that's year one of this while shebang

Porter also tries to cross the river but, uh, kinda totally fails

It only SLIGHTLY gets better over the next few years

Barely

I mean, if it isn't for the Navy...we kinda screwed

But the key takeaway here is, like

DON'T MAKE A WAR THAT HALF THE COUNTRY DOESN'T WANT

and y'know, don't invade Canada

Reading this in the cold light of day, I realized something dreadful

I forgot the worst one of them all

The man Anthony Wayne called "the worst of bad men"

Who historian Alan Taylor calls America's first great actor

The one, the only, James Wilkinson

Wilkinson is... Well, there a really isn't a con man who could approach Jimmy Wilkinson. Like, ever. He shammed, bamboozled, and blustered his way into influential post after influential post - only to get fired and forced to resign

But he always landed on his feet

Wilkinson attached himself to influential generals during the Revolution, serving as their aides. Finally, even the egotistical Gates tired of him, forcing him to resign in 1779

But the Continental Congress thought he was a good dude & made him in charge of clothing the Army

Early in 1781, Congress FINALLY cottoned on that money was going missing and the clothing for the Army was substandard, so Wilkinson got fired

So he headed to Kentucky, where he made money on plantations

He heads to Spanish New Orleans in 1787 & enters in the pay of Spain

Yeah, you heard me

Wilkinson is now a double agent

In 1791, he gets reinstated in the Army. He soon rises from LTC to brigadier general. Subordinate to Anthony Wayne, who HATES him

Wilkinson tries to smear Wayne, calling him crazy, hence "Mad" Anthony Wayne

Wilkinson delays supplies at Fallen Timbers. Wayne has enough with him. He orders a court martial, including an investigation into Wilkinson's dealing with Spain, but then Wayne gets a stomach ulcer and DIES in 1796, leaving Wilkinson as the senior officer IN COMMAND OF THE ARMY

Wilkinson cons Jefferson into believing that Wilkinson is the best thing since the Declaration of Independence. In 1803, TJ sends JW to oversee the new Louisiana Purchase...which JW uses to scheme with VP Aaron Burr about creating a breakaway empire in the west

Ya can't beat it

During this time, JW is STILL passing Intel to Spain, such as that "hey, Lewis and Clark are running around, you should capture them" even as he's also plotting against them, with Burr trying to get British support for their plan to break off from the US

Then, in 1806, in a TWIST, JW betrays Burr to TJ because the rumors about his treason are just too common now

A grateful Jefferson DOES NOT PROSECUTE him

Two congressional inquiries and a court martial follow -- all exonerate him, because of his political connections

By 1813, JW is back in the deep South, embezzling and defrauding SO MUCH that LOUISIANA of all places demands that he be removed

SecWar Armstrong is like "well, we need a general, and the public is clamoring for Wilkinson, so why not" & sends him to replace Dearborn

JE takes his sweet ass time heading to the Northern Department, stopping for parties at every town along the way. He finally gets up there in the fall, and decides TO INVADE CANADA IN THE WINTER

This from a dude who was on the relief party for Arnold's failed invasion in 1775/76

He plans to float his army of 7000 men down the river over FOUR treacherous falls and take Montreal, defended by an equal number of men

IN THE WINTER

He's also sick and is treating his illness with alternate doses of whiskey and cocaine so THAT'S FUN

On the way down the river, he stops at Ogdensburg, on the US side, where officials are alarmed when he publicly brags about his plans to attack Montreal, and in a coke-addled stupor SINGS A LITTLE SONG ABOUT HOW HE'S GOING TO CANADA TO HAVE SEX

He makes one attack. Well, HE doesn't, of course, he's on a bender. Subordinate Boyd attacks a force of 800 British and Canadians at Crysler's Farm in November, with over double the number of troops but the attack isn't coordinated, runs out of ammo, & collapses bloodily

JW will eventually fall back to Plattsburgh, after hundreds of his men die of disease at French Mills, a cold and wet campsite where they spend December of 1813

He tries to save his reputation in March of 1814 but his attack fails again & he is FINALLY relieved of command

Sorry, addendum. I meant opium instead of cocaine. Opium.

So, JW is investigated AGAIN for his time in command AND SOMEHOW GETS AWAY WITH IT but decides his talents are best suited...to becoming an agent of the American Bible Society and traveling to Mexico City

In Mexico City, he works to try to swindle the government there out of Texas

I mean, go big or go home, right?

He dies there in 1825

Of opium. Natch.

The guy makes Benedict Arnold look like a SAINT

ADDENDUM TO THE ADDENDUM

In the early 1800s, Winfield Scott had to serve under Wilkinson

Scott LOATHED JW. Said he would go into battle with two pistols: one for the enemy, and one for Wilkinson. This, & other choice remarks, got his commission suspended for a year

I ❤️ Scott