Thread by @NosferatuVK

It’s #Monday, I’m boozing it up at a 4 seat bar, the #barkeep is a long pourer, and I’m all fucking set if I get something stuck between my teeth.👇🙃 #RandomThoughts #drinking #OutAndAbout

Shooting the shit with a friend, she’s proud to be doing well with her plants - unusual for her.

The key was a #video explaining the benefits of pruning.

She needs REASONS. She got them.

Apparently, pruning in a particular manner stimulates growth hormones.
#RandomThoughts

Of course, this led to me initiating a discussion about the #movie I just watched on Hulu, called “The German Doctor.”

The main character was Josef Mengele. #ThisHappened

People, this is why I’m known in my circles as “The Black Hole Of Conversation.” SMTH
#RandomThoughts

Arrived at the bar, was greeted fairly warmly, offered #pizza “we’re not going to finish” by a woman #drinking from a mostly full pitcher of #beer someone left behind.

My point? In the “pay-it-forward” spirit, WHO’S DRINKING?

Because I’m buying. DM ME, BITCHES.
#RandomThoughts

Maraschino cherries are the most unnatural, fucking delish inventions EVER.

The polyester of fruits.

Love. Them.
#RandomThoughts #fruits #Polyester #Unnatural

#RandomThoughts Ever awaken, realize that your tweet intended to convey that non-blondes being envious of blonde hair is a cliché has not only been unsuccessful, it’s insulted millions of people?

Yeah. That.

(sigh) I’m so misunderstood.

Well, and thoughtless. But still.

Received a “D” grade, & don’t know what to do? Let me help.

The letter “C” is redundant. It’s functions are covered by “K,” & occasionally “S.”

Drop “C,” the #alphabet is a clean 25 letters, “D” moves up, is now a grade that conveys “average.”

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts

SMTH as I read an #office e-mail which uses the #gomslly business term “glide path” 5 times.

FIVE. FUCKING. TIMES. Goddammit.
#officelife #gomslley #nonsense #StupidLingo #RandomThoughts

What’s that #movie where Joe Pesci plays a guy with a hair-trigger temper?

SMTH.
#movies #actors #characters #RandomThoughts

It’s utter fucking #gomslley that the longest daylight of the year occurs on the first day of #summer.

Going forward, the longest day will be THE HALFWAY POINT of summer.

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts #seasons #gomslly #sensible

Lake Superior has such a fucking God complex.

I blame the father.

You don’t name your son David Bowie. Nobody can live up to that without being insufferable. #KeepItReal #UniversalTruths

You feel me? #Wut #PleaseStop
#GreatLakes #LakeSuperior #RandomThoughts

Wasn’t conventionally schooled. My school was the School Of Life. HARD KNOCKS, BITCHES.

Billy Preston’s “Nothing From Nothing” was a fucking math class for my ass.

Yep. Just wrote that. #RandomThoughts #music Billy, George Harrison, Ravi Shankar meet Gerald Ford👇#ThisHappened

Salty food, not so much.

Salty language? LET’S HANG, BITCHES.
#Truth #KeepItReal #salt #RandomThoughts #Salty

Remember the time I was ‘roided up as shit, played one season for the Colorado Rockies, & hit 54 home runs, all at home?

Good. Times.
#baseball #Denver #sports #Steroids #RandomThoughts #MLB

Lot going on lately - international intrigue, high speed car chases, exotic locales, femme fatales, #martinis left & right - name it. #DramaAlert

Short story long, I have 12 unopened bottles of #salad dressing.

Què el pescado, hombrè?
#food #salads #RandomThoughts

Why no, co-worker - not only will I NOT join the rest of our #office on the 5K run bonding extravaganza, just to show all of you what for, I’M HALF IN THE BAG ON A #THURSDAY.

That’ll learn ya.
#Wut #OfficeLife #Caturday #RandomThoughts #drinking

Heretofore, my name is Leon Noel, and I will not fucking respond unless you RESPECT MY SHIT.
#palindromes #nicknames #RandomThoughts #movies

Donovan’s “Atlantis” is stuck in my head since this morning. Had to throw down after a co-worker claimed the #singer of “Sunshine Superman” is a #OneHitWonder.

Bitch, PLEASE.

Lenny Kravitz’s “Let Love Rule” is totally a rip-off of “Atlantis.”
#MellowYellow #RandomThoughts

Sure, I’ve seen my own timeline.

We ALL wish it was entirely cat tweets, amirite? SMTH.
#KeepItReal #RandomThoughts #cats #Caturday #Thursday

I’m Deeply Saddened* that I’ve revealed to a couple people I follow that I am, in fact, a man, and our twitter relationship(s) haven’t been the same since.

Makes me sad.

I TWITTER LOVE THESE PEOPLE.

*my latest porno #wut #NotCool
#movies #RandomThoughts

Sure, my skin is pretty bad today, but I’m drinking #alcohol, which sources tell me will help.....(listens to earpiece).....REALLY? Fuck. It’s BAD for my skin?

Goddammit.

Face, egg. Egg, face.
#ReallyDumb #OhWell #booze #gomslly #RandomThoughts

Spinning Radiohead’s “Amnesiac”* as I dart about in my motor car** today.

*underrated album. #music

**underrated lingo. #language
#musictherapy #rockmusic #Friday #RandomThoughts

What up, boogie chillen?
#wut #UrbanLegends #RandomThoughts #OddHellos

Or AM I spinning “Amnesiac?” I forget.

Low-hanging fruit is in season. INDULGE, BITCHES.

I’ve virtually eliminated #Starbucks drinks from my routine. Obvs, this helps $, but what I REALLY don’t miss?

Spillage from defective tops, gross motor car cup holders. #RandomThoughts

We’ve all seen #birds standing on the ground ahead while we’re #walking.

As you approach, the bird will walk forward, until they realize you’re not changing direction, THEN they’ll fly away.

Birds are lazy. They prefer to walk.

I went there.
#RandomThoughts #KeepItReal #nature

#NotManyKnowThis - the “G” in Kenny G stands for “GAH!”

He’s self aware, I’ll give him that.
#BadMusic #musicislife #RandomThoughts

Umm, what? What fresh #gomslly is this? “Stands high on the list?”

Wishy-washy fortune cookies up in here. Did Buttigieg write this fucking nonsense?

I went there.
#gomslley #PoliticalCommentary #RandomThoughts #KeepItReal
1. Make list 2. Ingenuity 3. Pick up vodka #Callback

Let’s share some amaretto on the promenade, boo.

#Protip, people - that’s “ahm-aretto” on the “promen-ahd.”

Don’t be a boorish clod.

Mm-‘Kay? Good talk.
#Language #KeepItReal #RandomThoughts #alcohol

What’s the term for someone who obsesses about #TwoHitWonders while preparing #food?

Asking for a friend.
#RandomThoughts #music #salads #SaturdayNight

Crowded House, John Paar, Gloria Gaynor, Uriah Heep, Ambrosia,......

In this episode of “King Solomon’s Servants’ Wines,” we highlight Mogen David Blackberry👇, which is #blackberry tasting as fuck, and can double as a #martini ingredient.

Delish, & under $6.

Worth at least $7. SMTH.
#RandomThoughts #CheapWines #SaturdayNight #movies

Off the top of my head, I can name at least a baker’s dozen Foreigner songs I like.

Yeah. That.
#GoodStoryBro #musictherapy #RaiseYourStandards #Sunday #RandomThoughts

#NotManyKnowThis - a special edition #iPhone, only 100 exist, has a feature called Aroma, which enables the user to SMELL the photo they’re viewing. #technology #RandomThoughts

If you have one of those rare phones, NOW is the time to activate Aroma.

Shit smelled sweet.👇

Will continue to say this - do NOT move to the #suburbs when your family grows. #Protip

They. Are. Completely. Soulless.
#RandomThoughts #truth #KeepItReal #LifeLessons

What kinda fucking city wants people off the grass, & doesn’t allow #dogs IN A PARK?

SMTH.

It’s normal to see Christian Bale as Dick Cheney in “Vice,” then see Cheney in your peripheral vision EVERYWHERE, correct?

Asking for a friend.
#EliteLevelEvil #movies #actors #RandomThoughts

My Sunday #martini.

I’M not boozing on a #Sunday, YOU’RE boozing on a Sunday.
#martinis #weekends #booze #RandomThoughts #alcohol #medicinal

Hey, my cough is gone!

Open letter to Tom Waits:

Boo, let’s revive your flagging career.

Your next album “Tom Waits: For No One,” has 12 tracks of original #songs, plus a bonus hidden track cover of The Beatles’ “For No One.” #puns

People love it, DRY SPELL OVER.

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts

#OfficeLife #Lunch #Lazy #RandomThoughts #TheStruggleIsReal

Me, chewing a piece of barbecued pork a co-worker gave me, that I proooooobbbbably should have cut before putting in my mouth.👇👇

SMTH.

(sigh) Fondly remembering my grade school girlfriend, Hope Montessori. Cute Italian gal, built like a brick schoolhouse.

We burned out too fast, too soon. #wut #LifeLessons #Reminiscing
#RandomThoughts

To close our 1st “Learn To Write Songs Like Steve Miller & Gangsta Rappers” class, #wordplay to help your #lyrics.

Some #rhymes:

•Taxes, facts is

•Giving, shivving

•Abracadabra, grab ya

•Thanks a lot, shanks a lot

•Orange, #gomslly

See you next week!
#RandomThoughts

Saw you blubbering like a schoolgirl when Carole King’s “It’s Too Late” came on.

YOU. Not me.
#music #musictherapy #RandomThoughts

#Protip, exercising people - don’t fucking weigh yourself every day. Or ever.

Doing so sets you up for disappointment.

Monitor your #fitness by how well your #clothing fits.

I’m tired of wearing fat jeans. IN. CENT. IVE.

You’re welcome.
#LifeLessons #RandomThoughts

All are welcome in my #office. Even you, gross rodent.

HUG ME, BEAST.
#OfficeLife #OfficeProps #ThugLife #RandomThoughts #OfficeDecor #Thursday

Sources tell me Mars needs women, so ‘scuse me a sec while I slide Mars behind the local leper colony on my “Places To Improve My Social Life” list.

Okay. What were you saying?
#RandomThoughts #movies #BMovies #Desperaion

At the #healthclub today, I was one of 2 wearing #Superman shirts.

We embraced, & warned each other to be wary of #fitness buffs bearing Kryptonite.

So, you know - #ThatHappened.

#RandomThoughts #exercise #FridayMorning #Superhero

Remember those 8 minutes when we all thought Keane would be the next Fleetwood Mac?

Weird, wild times, amirite?

SMTH.
#Miscalculation #MusicIsLife #RandomThoughts #RockMusic

In a bedraggled, poor-as-shit town near my mom’s house, unincorporated, it’s legal to burn trash in the yard.

I refer to it as The Land That Time Forgot. #RandomThoughts #AmericasFartland

It’s a few blocks.

There’s AT LEAST 3 of this model & color car in the area.👇#Priorities

Oh hey, Twitter #RandomThoughts thread reader - you work out, also? Sweet.

Don’t mind me - just explaining the benefits of a healthy level of body shame to the old man cavorting around nude all over the fucking locker room.

Nothing to see here. GAH!
#exercise #workouts #Friday

#RandomThoughts #Mishaps
That👇is my right eye at this moment.

Couple days ago, had a conflict with a monstrous tree-bush hybrid behind my building. IT ATTACKED, COMPLETELY UNPROVOKED.

#LemonadeFromLemons - it improved my looks. SMTH.

At the #healthclub, ever choose a machine, go to choose the appropriate weight for you, see how much the prior person lifted, & think, “holy living fuck, the guy before me is a beast”? #RandomThoughts #exercise #TheStruggleIsReal
Yeah. That.

”Did I leave my glasses here?”👇😩😂

Goddamn, some wholesome-looking motherfuckers just came into #Starbucks.

Probably a religious group. Nobody else could muster up that vacuously happy look.

I went there.
#Saturday #Summertime #RandomThoughts #hanging

#RandomThoughts #fashion #bracelii #SaturdayMorning

#Protip, men - gonna wear cargo shorts? Even a groovy #bracelet like that👇👇won’t salvage your cred.

Consider yourself warned.

When your #morning run random #iPod began with Janelle Monáe & Warren Zevon, now you’re looking at twitter.👇👇😧😩#KeepItReal #RandomThoughts #Saturday

#Protip - people who object to others swearing are untrustworthy & controlling.

#Sundays, I spend 3 or 4 hours with my #mother. During that time, & other times I interact with her, I don’t swear.

Done it so long, don’t even think about it. #DoubleLife #RandomThoughts #Oddity

#Blues musicians - ‘tsup with this #gomslly singing about whiskey wailed on my ass, whiskey saved my ass, whiskey ended my marriage, whiskey this, whiskey that?

Need blues cred? #Protip - one word: VODKA.

You’re welcome.
#wut #Clueless #YeahNo #RandomThoughts

Frank Zappa hung with John Lennon for a spell.

My theory: Lennon was envious of Zappa, & of Yoko Ono, because their art was more avant-garde than John’s. Lennon didn’t think much of his own art compared to theirs.

So Zappa tolerated Lennon for a bit.
#RandomThoughts #music

#RandomThoughts #mishaps #WaterRetainage #TheStruggleIsReal #EatingOut

Me, looking to see how my puffy eye is, prior to recalling my last night #ChineseFood order, where I forgot to request no MSG.👇👇😩

GAH!

I strongly suspect cucumbers are fruit, not vegetable.

I went there.
#fruits #vegetables #food #RandomThoughts #Wednesday

Pickles & cumcumbers are phallic, and have little nutritional value.

Glean from that what you will.
#fruitsandvegetables #healthyfood #RandomThoughts #JustSaying

#NotManyKnowThis, but I was stranded for 3 weeks in a Himalayan cave with an octopus, and that👇is exactly what happened.

We were desperate. Measures were taken.

Short story long, that’s why I’m left-handed.
#RandomThoughts #Hiking

Faux Irish: U2

Fucking hardcore, dyed-in-the-wool Irish: The Waterboys

I went there.
#music #Irish #RockBands #RandomThoughts

#Protip, vehicle #drivers - if you have to do a 9-point re-enactment of “#Hamilton” in order to back out of your #Starbucks parking spot without hitting anything, YOUR VEHICLE IS TOO LARGE.

Scale back. It’ll be okay.

The brown people won’t get you.
#RandomThoughts #truth

#Saxophone in rock is rubbish, except for Bowie, The Waterboys, “This Hollywood Life,” “Savoy Truffle,” “Jimmy Jazz,” that one song by The Cure, & depending on my mood, “Baker Street.”

No, I didn’t forget Springsteen.

I went there.
#music #musictherapy #RandomThoughts

Soooooo, anywho, it’s rained here in #Chicago nonstop for 40 days & 40 nights. #BiblicalReference #RandomThoughts #rainyweather

#Mosquitoes are taking their game to the next level.

GAH!👇👇😧😩

#RandomThoughts #weather #rainbows #PrideMonth  #LBTQ

Happy #PrideMonth2019, everyone.👇👇🙃😃

#NotManyKnowThis - the original marketing campaign for the very first #iPhone was my work.

Wrote a killer catchphrase - “There’s no ‘me’ in iPhone.”

Short story long, my career at Apple was, ummm.....brief. SMTH.
#marketing #RandomThoughts #BadIdeas #wut

There’s a first date-ish thing going badly here at #Starbucks. She’s cute, made an effort, he fucking isn’t, & totally didn’t.

Her feet are lovely, & I hate feet. Ankle #bracelii and #pedicures are appealing.

I forgot my #iPod. SMTH.
#RandomThoughts #Doh #TheStruggleIsReal

Pretty sure I’m witnessing the one and only time these two people will EVER interact.

It’s for the best.

HER FEET!

SMTH.
#RandomThoughts #observations #SaturdayMorning #summer
NOT hers👇👇 GAH!

#Protip, pet owners - please make sure your #pets have plenty of water to drink, particularly in sweaty, humid #weather like this.

They can’t fucking fill the bowls themselves. It’s up to YOU. Act responsibly.

‘Kay? Good talk.
#animals #dogs
#RandomThoughts #Summer
👇😃

Goddammit. Nobody tells me “heretofore” is the opposite of what I intended in the below tweet? 👇👇

Dammit. I always confuse it with “forthwith.”

Is it bad that I’m considering deleting & reposting hundreds of tweets to correct it? #anal
#RandomThoughts

Ruminating on the backwards-baseball-cap movement, as one will do, I’ve summoned a heretofore* unearthed appreciation for the practicality, nay, BRILLIANCE of the look.

The back of the head is protected from sun.

How else you gonna do that?
#RandomThoughts
*correct usage

More worrisome is the possibility that most people don’t know how “heretofore” should be used.

Sobering gomslly, that.
#BeBest #Language #gomslly #gomslley #RandomThoughts

Ignore Golden Grahams on your next Top Cereals list at your own peril.

I went there.
#Gomslly #Gomslley #Cereals #RandomThoughts #Sunday
Huh. Vintage T-Shirt offer.👇🤔

Ooh, yeah, how ‘bout it? That eccentric genius Neil Young - you never know what you’ll get with his albums. What style #music will it be this time?

Whatevs. Frank Zappa did it first.

And better.
#music #musictherapy #musicians
#RandomThoughts

Greektown, #Chicago.

#StreetArt #MondayMotivaton #RandomThoughts

Don’t mind me, just tryna forget that putting an “S” in front of “laughter” turns it to “slaughter.”

I’ve rarely wished to turn “laughter” into “slaughter.”

Just saying.
#Traumatic #Language #words #RandomThoughts #Monday

Name one song more fucking #gomslly, nonsensical, & #gomslley than “Champagne Supernova.”

I’ll wait.
#RandomThoughts #music #lyrics
#FauxDeep #90sMusic #Oasis

Starved Rock State Park is somewhere in #Illinois. I’ve never been.

Everyone’s all “Starved Rock this, Starved Rock that.”

#Protip, people - for fuck’s sake, bring. the. rock. some. food.

A banana, SOMETHING. SMTH.
#RandomThoughts

Ummm, NO.👇#Music clubs, #restaurants,...

....#sports, #theatre, huge buildings, #shopping, touristy shit like #NavyPier, LAKE MICHIGAN, so please - STOP.

#Protip - don’t ask the blue-haired lady who voted Trump what she likes to do in #Illinois.

#Chicago drives this state.

#RandomThoughts

Goddammit, I love the original “Twilight Zone.”
#TVShows #scifi #TwilightZone #RandomThoughts #TVClassics

Sources tell me the greatest love of all is inside of me. The x-rays were totally fucking negative.

What gives, medical profession?
#Puzzling #MedicalEmergency #RandomThoughts #SongLyrics

Turns out the 4 seat bar/restaurant makes a killer #salad. 👇👇

Pretty fucking sweet. 🙃😃👍
#Dinner #HealthyEating #RandomThoughts #Food

When I dine out by myself, I sit at the #bar, & leave without saying anything to the #barkeep.

Why do I choose a moment when the bartender is otherwise occupied, & not looking?

I’m bad at exit banter.

Seriously. That’s the reason.

SMTH.
#RandomThoughts #Awkward #DiningOut

A #waitperson here is from Puerto Rico. She says she doesn’t know who Elvis Presley is. She’s dead serious.

His image is on the shirt she’s wearing.

Què el pescado, hombrè?
#Music #Elvis #musictherapy #RandomThoughts

#RandomThoughts #Birds #Neighbors #MindYourBiness
Me, on my deck, watching all my neighbors’ bullshit from a higher vantage point.👇👇😎🤔

Here’s a novel idea: think for yourself, don’t be one of millions of fucking #sheeple, & do something today other than stare open-mouthed & drooling at shiny things in the sky.

#Newsflash - fireworks are boring as fuck.

Have some self-respect, for fuck’s sake.
#RandomThoughts

Sure, I’m in a bit of a mood today. The #4thOfJuly has always been jingoistic #gomslly, particularly this year.

How does one measure how great a country is? Maybe by how the most vulnerable people are treated?

I’ll field this one - YES. That’s a fine barometer.
#RandomThoughts

So, since fireworks are fucking rubbish, stay in, be supportive of your animals while morons lose appendages outside. #LifeLessons
#RandomThoughts #4thOfJuly  #movies #actors

Who wore it better? 1?👇👇

#RandomThoughts #Nosferatu #movies #Actors #monsters
Or 2? 👇👇

#RandomThoughts #music

It’s very hot, the #4thOfJuly , #fireworks will be literally in the back of my building, & I won’t watch a single one.

#Pizza, #vodka, #music on the balcony are on my agenda.

Set up my #iPod.

Listen to the first #song of 32K to randomly play. #irony

#RandomThoughts #writing #plagarism #songlyrics
Okay, gonna use this day off to FINALLY start writing my autobiography.

How to begin?

Whiskey bottles, and brand new cars, oak tree you’re in my way.....

Yeah. Compelling.

Shout out to the guy #WorkingOut in a Hawaiian shirt, the same one he wore yesterday while gaping at shiny lights & loud noises.

As I burgled his house.

This is unquestionably the first time in my entire life I’ve written “burgled.”
#RandomThoughts #HealthClub #burglars #Friday

Yesterday I recommended that people watch #TwilightZone on #July4 .

I’ve deleted those tweets. A peep of mine tells me commercials during TZ were by pro-fascism people & products.

I have regrets.

It’s a great show. Don’t watch Decades channel.
#RandomThoughts #TV

Irish sources tell me “a bang on the ear” is a good thing.

Goddammit, The Three Stooges are unfunny.

People, these are truths. #wut #PleaseStop #IrishExpressions #BadComedy #RandomThoughts

#RandomThoughts #Saturday #TheStruggleIsReal #Chores

When you sleep 10 1/2 hours, then realize you have a dryer full of clothes to fold & put away👇👇😩

#RandomThoughts #fashion #music
Esperanza Spalding, sporting my next look. 👇👇😎🎶😃
#Goals #AGirlNotGirlCanDream

Walked 5+ miles this #morning. It’s fucking hot & humid as hell.

#iPod played “Pleasant Valley Sunday” as I snapped this pic.👇

It knows the ugly truth of the #suburbs. IT. KNOWS.

SMTH. #RandomThoughts #Summer #SaturdayMorning

#RandomThoughts #Suburbia #Jingoism #Walking #Exercise
Gonna give someone the benefit of the doubt, & credit them with sly commentary on the TRUE America.

American flag, flanked by a wall,
entirely white.👇👇

Mm-hmm.

#RandomThoughts #truths #LifeLessons #Ruminations #LemonadeFromLemons
Me, contemplating that I’ve lived this many years, and have no offspring.👇👇😧🤔😂😂

#RandomThoughts #Saturday #ClimateChangeIsReal #Summer
Okay, erosion of the ozone layer has gotten out of hand.👇👇

It’s on the deck! THE FUCKING SUN IS ON THE DECK!

Right? We’re all, “who the fuck is this ‘The Tallest Man On Earth’ musical artist?”

People, I have information.

He’s some fucking short Swedish white dude.

You’re welcome.
#ThanksNot #FolkSingers #music #RandomThoughts #musicians

#Concept: Colin Hanks & Beasley the Dog’s great grandchild star in the long-anticipated reboot of “Turner & Hooch.”

The Tallest Man On Earth records Paul Simon’s “Richard Cory” with apropos gravitas, shit is FIRE 🔥, #movie & #song are huge hits, WE HEAL.
#RandomThoughts

Shout out to the personal trainer at the #healthclub today, listening to her client prattle on about her husband buying ant traps at Dollar General (NOT Dollar Store - THAT’S a different story)....

The trainer stayed focused.

Not all heroes wear capes.
#RandomThoughts #Sunday

(sigh) Nobody realizes the extensive work I put into making this the longest, most #gomslly thread in the history of #Twitter.

My own research ensured accuracy on the Turner & Hooch tweet just now.

Sure, I don’t use “heretofore” properly, but BEASLEY THE DOG.
#RandomThoughts

#RandomThoughts #DramaAlert
Anywho, I’m hiring a research person, so I can concentrate on maximizing content for the Echo Chamber.

The position pays 20% of what I make.

Will conduct VERY informal interviews, in character, in my writing room.

It’s fine. Nothing to see here.👇

Was at Mariano’s #grocery store at 6 this #morning when they opened.

Goal: #breakfast sandwich, muffin. #calories

#Bakery on 2nd floor. Pleasantly surprised the #escalator had been turned on.

Inquired about muffins. Knew they wouldn’t have any. They didn’t.
#RandomThoughts

They’re never ready for the public when they open, so OF COURSE they didn’t have #muffins. #BadManagement

Back to 1st floor for a #sandwich. The cash register hadn’t been stocked with change. Of course.

As I ordered, a #manager arrived with change.
#RandomThoughts #morning

As I waited, the employee & the manager watched a man with a long coat behind me leaving the store.

Manager: he just walked out with a bottle.

Employee: I know. I’m not stopping him. Not my job.

Manager: me either.
#RandomThoughts #morning #theft

Employee, to me, as she hands me the #breakfast sandwich: the cash register isn’t working*. Merry Christmas.

Me: what?

Her: enjoy.

Me, as I exit: I’d rather have the bottle, but thanks.

So, yeah. #ThisHappened

#RandomThoughts #GoodStoryBro #MondayMorning *of course

My best feature is my ears, and I have the hands of a sturgeon.

My personals ad is writing itself.

SMTH.
#wut #Dumb #GoodStoryBro
#RandomThoughts #fish #KeepItReal #TheStruggleIsReal

#Protip, #baseball announcers - that fucking 500 foot home run you insist on pissing yourself over counts only as much as the 325 foot homer that hit the foul pole.

Mm-‘Kay? Relax.
#KeepItReal #CalmDown #RandomThoughts #sports

All I ask of anyone I meet, and may hang with, is that they understand my love for @ShearwaterBand’s “Runners Of The Sun.”

Bitch, you don’t even have to like it. Just understand MY love for it.

I went there.
#music #musictherapy #RandomThoughts #RockMusic

People who see “Bob’s Burgers,” “King Of The Hill,” “Home Movies,”. & “Daria,” and blather “I don’t like cartoons,” are #gomslly as shit, and probably rubbish as all get out. Oh, and close-minded as fuck.

I went there.
#RandomThoughts #Cartoons

Had a bad cell on my drive home today, but I think my friend said Kris Kristofferson has been married to Janis Joplin’s corpse since 1983.

Don’t quote me on this.
#music #movies #creepy #StoryTime #RandomThoughts

Nat King Cole and Billy Eckstine were Johnny Hartman before Johnny was.

As you were.
#SmoothVocalists #Singers #music #RandomThoughts

Lot’s dog.👇👇#BiblicalReference #walking #summer #animals #RandomThoughts

Anywho, spent last night closing car hoods.

People are so forgetful.

(sigh) All I do is love.
#Clueless #AutoShows #Summer #RandomThoughts #DramaAlert

Had a $4 debit card transaction rejected this morning. #RandomThoughts #CashProblems #Morning #Oops

Egg, Face. Face, egg.

#Protip, everyone - don’t be like me & put off balancing your checkbook for 2 months.

Others in the vicinity.👇😧SMTH.

People, I’m rolling with a mashup of “All Around The World” by Lisa Stansfield & “Fred Jones, Part 2” by Ben Folds in my head like so much chewing gum stuck on the underside of a table.

You?

Samesies, amirite?
#music #musictherapy #mashups
#RandomThoughts #driving

#ThisHappens - people who walk around as if they’re normal express the need to “pick up some mulch.”

#Goals #ThatsLiving #YardWork
#RandomThoughts

Chicago has fantastic food. DM me. We can hang.

#TasteOfChicago is this #weekend.

#Protip, eaters, suburbanites - NOT the time to experience #Chicago cuisine.

Sweating like a pig, next to other smelly people, eating standing over a garbage can?

Bitch, PLEASE.
#RandomThoughts

#NotManyKnowThis - Ben Folds is a fine #songwriter & #musician, but a terrible poker player.

Bitch never finishes a hand.

SMTH.
#Music #PlaysOnWords #RandomThoughts #poker

Trust me, people - you DO NOT want to hear my Jeremy Irons jokes.

For crissake, I make MYSELF cringe.
#CheesyAsFuck #PleaseStop #RandomThoughts #movies

Danger Mouse did a mashup album of Jay Z’s “The Black Album” & The Beatles’ “White Album,” called - surprise, surprise, “The Grey Album.”

It’s pretty fucking cool.

As you were.
#RandomThoughts #music #RapMusic #RockMusic

#NotManyKnowThis - Dave Grohl totally fucking flunked out of the “Maximizing Resource Allocations” class I instructed.

Explains why the best #drummer in rock has someone else drumming in HIS FUCKING BAND.

Goddammit.
#FooFighters #RockMusic #RandomThoughts #BadDecisions

Challenge, Echo Chamber: name one fucking thing more futile than dusting.

I’ll wait.
#Truth #LifeLessons #Housework #RandomThoughts #KeepItReal

All this time, I’ve been butchering “Qué el pescado, hombre?” This is the CORRECT way to write it, I think. Thanks, @YourRaggedEdges.

Not all heroes wear capes. Though maybe you do.

As for the rest of you, I count on you to correct me when I’m dumb.
#RandomThoughts

And I’m pretty fucking dumb a lot. If you bitches don’t police me, Andy Summers, I perpetuate butchery of language, & #KHive rejects my application to join them.

You see how shit can domino? You don’t want THAT on your conscience.

Mm-‘kay? Good talk.
#RandomThoughts #BlameGame

#Protip, eaters who drop #food - everyone has a variant on the “5 second rule.” You know the one - drop food on the floor, pick it up within 5 seconds, it’s okay to eat.

Can’t stress this enough - The. Rule. Is. For. HOME USE ONLY.
#RandomThoughts #UnwrittenRules

Don’t be like this sad sumbitch at #Starbucks - drops his egg bites on the floor in front of everyone, picks up & puts on the table like nothing happened.

Goddammit, man. Have some self-respect.

SMTH.
#RandomThoughts #NoYouDint #SundayMorning #Ewww

Been moonlighting, teaching a “Spin Control & Normalization” course at the local community #college.

Lesson 1 is “World Kerfuffle II.”

See you there, people.
#College #Gomslly #Gomslley #RandomThoughts #Sunday

The Clash really fucking accomplished some shit with their “London Calling” album.

Well-produced, accessible while retaining their punk edge, eclectic as shit, a giant leap forward for a great band.

Yeah. That.
#Music #MusicTherapy #TheClash #RandomThoughts #Artistry

“Bad Influence” is the “Neighbors” of dramas.

I went there.
#movies #films #casting #RandomThoughts #Sunday

#RandomThoughts #Weather #Insects #Driving #Summer #UniversalTruths #SpaceGhost
Ever tire of unnatural A/C blowing on you in the #car, & just wanna fucking drive with the windows down?

Inevitably, the next day, that’s 👇what you see in the rear view mirror.

GAH!

#Protip, people - can’t remember the name of someone you’ve met before, so you’re gonna guess? Bitch, PLEASE.

Suck it up. Ask.

The ONLY exception to this is if the person is an English man.

Try “Rupert” or “Trevor.” 62% chance you’re correct.

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts

Where is this Leaning Tower Of Pizazz everyone is on about?
#Questions #Gomslly #Gomslley #RandomThoughts #Wednesday

Is it real? IS IT REAL??! Touch it and you’ll find out, BITCHES.
#Tigers #Tattoos #CallBack #RandomThoughts #Gams

Disciple of the 15 Day Birthday Celebration Rule here - week before, birthday, week after.

For 15 days you’re allowed to be as catty & selfish as you wish, within reason.

Like a kinder, gentler version of “The Purge.”

THAT is what you’re wearing? Bitch, please.
#RandomThoughts

You know what’s fun?

Being so swamped at the #office that you need a break, maybe walk around a bit, shoot the shit with people, but YOU DON’T, because they might need something work-related from you.

Yeah. That.
#TheStruggleIsReal #OfficeLife #RandomThoughts #Avoidance

Fellow single people - thinking about #dinner? Should you get your #Nigella on & cook, or order out?

Make the decision a simple mathematical equation: if time spent #cooking + cleanup time > eating time (it WILL be), order out.

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts #LivingSingle 💜👇

(ahem) I’ve decided those who don’t like the band Belly are fucking weirdos, and #gomslly as fuck.

As you were.
#Music #RockMusic #RandomThoughts #musictherapy

A couple people here in the #office get #migraines, so they roll with the overhead lights in their offices turned off during the day.

Think I’ll do the same. Truthfully, I’m better-looking in the dark. But if anyone asks - MIGRAINES.

Okay. A plan.
#RandomThoughts

#Music #musictherapy #RockBands #RandomThoughts
In my continuing devotion to the band Rush, I will be following no more people on Twitter.👇👇🎶🎶🙃😎

Shout out to the guy #running in those👇👇conditions WHILE WEARING GLASSES.

Boo, remember foregoing #ContactLenses because Mary Ann from “Gilligan’s Island” said you look smart in #glasses?

You don’t look so smart now.

And Mary Ann is fictional.
#RandomThoughts #summer

#RandomThoughts #Gomslly #TheStruggleIsReal #Gomslley
My current stage name is Les Humid.

Tryna stay topical. The curse of the #artist.

Nobody fucking knows what “broasted” REALLY means.

Refute this.

BRING IT ON, BITCHES.
#UniversalTruths #Cooking #RandomThoughts #Saturday

#RandomThoughts #Shaving
Let’s discuss the components of a successful shave.

1) #Sideburns = even & straight; 2) Hair around ears = neat, not over ears; 3) Nose & ear hair under. fucking. control.; 4) Neck not a bloody mess.

Me, after an UNsuccessful shave.👇 GAH!

#Protip - consider WHEN #art is created. This will enhance your understanding of where the #artist was at the time.

For example, Kenny Rogers wrote “I’ll never know just what she sees in me” BEFORE his plastic surgery & his career careening off the rails.
#RandomThoughts GAH!👇

Right?? We’re all fucking given the willies by creepy Hallmark messages inside #birthday cards.

So you grab one that’s blank inside. What to write?

Simple. “Happy Birthday! You don’t look a day older than at least a year younger than you are.”

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts

Okay, a couple times it was cute. Now it’s annoying.

The. Fucking. Balloons. Are. In. The. Way.

Goddammit.
#TheStruggleIsReal #Birthdays #RandomThoughts #Monday

The #bartender just guessed that I’m 12 years younger than I am.

But I’m actually 10 years old. D’oh!
#RandomThoughts #Gomslly #Gomslley #TotalFuckingSilliness

#RandomThoughts #MixedBag
When the bartender butchers your order, but he guesses that yesterday, you turned 12 years younger than you are.👇👇

The parents of Julian Casablancas ensured their son would be a rock musician when they named him, amirite?

His middle name is Fernando, for fuck’s sake.

SMTH.
#RockMusic #MusicTherapy #RandomThoughts #music

Sooooo, anywho, my day began with me yelling and berating someone on the phone at the #office for 2 minutes. Not my proudest moment.

Somehow, I didn’t swear even one time during the incident.

Life is a series of small setbacks and small victories.
#LifeLessons #RandomThoughts

It’s too hot to wear underwear.

Lucky for everyone with eyeballs, I’m not Scottish.

It’s windy today, too.

GAH!
#Summer #MakeItStop #Saturday #RandomThoughts Beard👇👍

Really, King Crimson? You talk to the wind, do you? YOU TALK TO THE WIND?? #DramaAlert #RandomThoughts #Music

Ummm.....okay. Sounds perfectly normal to me......

Hey, Twitter reader - don’t mind me. Just working on my new song “Where The Streets Have No Name, Other Than Della.”

Don’t even fucking get me started on Bono copping my cocktail napkin......
#Music #Songwriting #GratuitousPerryMasonReference #RandomThoughts

#RandomThoughts #TV #VeronicaMars #ToughDecisions

Is it odd that I’m contemplating #bingewatching Veronica Mars?

Last week, the cleaning guy in my #office building told me he eats raccoon.

It’s 2 days later.

I’m still shook.
#RandomThoughts #StrangeFood #Raccoons #Eww #Wut

There are 2 types of people:

1) Those who don’t get teary-eyed at Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes,” & who bite, rather than lick, their #IceCream;

2) Those who are NOT dead inside.

I went there.
#RandomThoughts #Summer #music #LifeLessons

At the #HealthClub, me & a cute girl were the only ones there.

Know what I did*? Worked out.

Know what she did? Exercised in peace.

*NOT because “considering our respective body masses, you’re clearly stronger than me” is my idea of conversation.

SMTH. #RandomThoughts

Just discovered “Silence Of The Lambs” was released on Valentine’s Day 1991.

Sooooooo, yeah. That happened.
#RomanticMovies #movies #RandomThoughts #films #horror

#Protip, people - NEVER reveal your age.

Last week, my #barkeep guessed I’m substantially younger than I am, & I made the rookie mistake of telling him my age.

Now he thinks we’re in the same age group.

Goddammit.
#RandomThoughts #Regrets
EVERYTHING’S sweating, amirite?👇👇

Vampires pretty much have to find 24 hour health clubs to work out at, correct?

If a vampire is turned when (s)he’s pudgy, can exercise even improve that?

Are skin flaws corrected by being turned?

So many questions. For a friend.
#RandomThoughts #Vampyres #Vampires

Every decision I make is the wrong one, except today’s choice to spin “Led Zeppelin III,” instead of the #gomslly Ray LaMontagne CDs I have from my local reading hole.

Zep 3 is fantastic.
#Music #MusicTherapy #Morning #RandomThoughts #Gomslley
Underrated 👇🎶😎

Sources tell me life is for living.
#Wut #gomslley #gomslly #RandomThoughts #mmkay

Carlos Santana is a better guitarist than Eric Clapton ever dreamed of being.

I went there.
#music #musicians #guitarists #RandomThoughts #Wednesday

After work, you do a 5 mile walk, I sit on my balcony eating a salad, drinking a #martini, & listening to my #iPod.

Six of one, half dozen of the other, amirite?

We’re decent people. I don’t judge. We can hang.
#RandomThoughts #Summer #ExerciseNot #booze

#RandomThoughts #Caturday #MarilynMonroe #Pets
Marilyn Monroe, cat.👇👇

#Alcohol #Booze #Moonshine #RandomThoughts

Soooo, yeah. #ThisExists.👇

Let’s address something on ALL of our minds.

The faux-flannel-shirt version of Stone Temple Pilots is #gomslly as shit, AND #gomslley as fuck.

Gonna drop STP on my ass? GIMME GLAM.

I went there.
#Music #MusicTherapy #RandomThoughts #RockMusic

Sources tell me all Australians look like Wolverine.

Goddammit. Back when I was Australian, we looked like Angus Young.

SMTH.
#music #movies #BadBreaks #RandomThoughts #problematic

You see my furrowed brow, & wonder what’s up. You’re human, for crissake, amirite?

Frankly, Soft Cell’s “Tainted Love” is in my head for 3 days, & I DON’T KNOW WHY. Didn’t hear it, nobody mentioned it...

I have a fear of milk going bad, but that can’t be it....
#RandomThoughts

Sources tell me if I don’t mind my P’s & Q’s, a goombah will be dispatched to uptown funk me up.

As if.
#DireWarnings #Wednesday #RandomThoughts

We ALL realize there’s an argument to be made that people who use the word “pedantic” are BEING pedantic merely by using the word, correct?
#wut #gomslly #gomslley #pedantry #RandomThoughts

Sure, boo - we all saw you singing along to Journey’s “Separate Ways.” No reason to be embarrassed. No shame in your game.

The air guitar, & the fact that you know the song’s full title is “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)?” THAT is #problematic.

You. NOT me. #music #RandomThoughts

Really, Tom Petty? “I’m learnin’ to fly, but I ain’t got wings?”

Love you, Tom, R.I.P. & whatnot, but BITCH, PLEASE.

Try harder, boo.
#music #musictherapy #songwriter #RandomThoughts #lyrics #TooLate

I’m lashing out at Tom Petty’s #lyrics, #RIPPetty, while I use “heretofore” rather than “hitherto.”

Just found another of these gaffes in this thread.

Grammar fanatics, I’m not worthy to claim membership in your ranks.

Such. A. Hack.
#butchery #grammar #RandomThoughts

#NotManyKnowThis - my alter ego is the rapper Ving Rhymes.

#music #gomslly #gomslley #RandomThoughts

#Exercise #Summer #Saturday #RandomThoughts
Went for a run today. Lovely weather.

It wasn’t entirely a success. 👇👇

Why isn’t everyone ALWAYS talking about @TheAfghanWhigs covering Frank Ocean?

People, #ThisHappened, nobody could fucking foresee it, it’s incredible, & I can’t stop viewing it.

Yeah. That.
#Music #CoverSongs #RandomThoughts

As I enjoy a song by The Church (shoutout to #Sunday!), I recall that when I try to turn people onto them, it NEVER works.

Their songs are moody, chorus-free, & “Under The Milky Way” is a red herring.

This album is called “Priest = Aura,” for fuck’s sake.

SMTH.
#RandomThoughts

People, settle in for some #gomslly storytelling. Get comfy. Pour a #martini.

In near past, I’d traipse to #Starbucks on my way in to #work each #morning (expensive habit when one does the #math, so I’ve since slashed my indulgence, AND your tires),

#RandomThoughts #DoTell

but it's directly across the street from the #office, so what’s a weak-willed, semi-depressed person to do, boo?

I’d place my order, which was my youge, quite consistent, pay, & the #employee asks for a name for the order.

This happened EVERY DAY.
#RandomThoughts #stories

It’s like the #movie Groundhog Day - endless loop & whatnot.

Every day, same schtick, same question, same two people involved, BUT THEY NEVER REMEMBERED MY NAME THE NEXT DAY.

I understood why they asked - The #Corporate Beast had dictated that they.....
#RandomThoughts

....’enhance’ the customer’s experience by making a ‘connection’with them, blah-blah-fucking-blah.

What ‘connection’ has been forged (yes, I wrote that) if you can’t remember my name the next day?

IT’S TWO LETTERS, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.
#RandomThoughts #Gomslley #Gomslly

So one day, I was in a bit of a mood, & when asked my name AGAIN, pissed at the Dance Of Apathy we performed daily, I said “Helen.”

For those who don’t know, I’m MANLIEST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.

It’s highly unlikely my name is Helen.
#JustSaying #RandomThoughts

She wrote something on the cup, which is what happens. Whatevs.

As I waited for my #drink, curiosity FUCKING CONSUMED ME as to what she had written on the cup.

Their schtick is to call the customer's name, reading from the cup, when the #drink is ready.

#RandomThoughts

But on this day, way #early, I'm the only #customer. They put my drink on the counter. I picked it up, still curious.

Would she have written "Helen", playing along? Would she remember my name from YESTERDAY? I picked up the drink, looked at the cup.
#Suspense #RandomThoughts

She had written "Cool Glasses." She liked my #sunglasses!

At that moment, all the bad in the world melted away.

#TrueStory #GroovyAsFuck #RandomThoughts

No one is ever “whelmed.”

‘Tsup with that #gomslly?

#RandomThoughts #Language #Gomslley #FuckingSilliness

#RandomThoughts #BabySitter
Watching Rosemary’s Baby tonight.

(sigh) This is what my life has come to - moonlighting as a babysitter to make ends meet.

SMTH.

GAH!!👇👇

Really, Waterboys? “Your love feels like trumpets,” with nary a fucking trumpet to be found.

Saxophone all over the fucking place, but no trumpets.

Bitch, please.
#music #songwriting #rockmusic #LowHangingFruit #musictherapy #RandomThoughts

#NotManyKnowThis - “Murphy’s Law” wasn’t always the sweeping general #gomslly it is now. ‘Twas quite specific.

#RandomThoughts #music
It originated with the singer Michael Murphy. He’d returned home from his gig at a local #coffeehouse, pissed that.....

....he had to perform “Wildfire” 3 fucking times.

He removed his 24 hour soft #contacts, holding them over the toilet, letting go. The air caught them, they landed on the seat.

“Goddammit, happens every time,” he muttered.

“Murphy’s Law” was born.
#RandomThoughts #music

Short story long (REALLY - 3 fucking tweets), he wrote a plaintive ditty (“Murphy’s Law” - duh) about having a shit day, needing one solitary thing to go well, & THE FUCKING CONTACTS LAND ON THE TOILET SEAT, then becoming a serial killer.

The song never took off.
#RandomThoughts

Okay, authors of “Superman” & “Supergirl” - will you change “Superman” to “Superboy,” or “Supergirl” to “Superwoman?”

I know you want to be equitable, and not misogynistic, so DECIDE, BITCHES.

I went there.
#KeepItReal #Truth #Superheroes #RandomThoughts #comics
Superwoman👇😎

“Not all heroes wear capes.” No shit, Einstein.

The only ones who DO are Batman, Superwoman, Superboy, & Dracula. Only one of them is real. #CallBack

So can this #gomslly expression finally fucking go the way of the Edsel?

Mm-‘kay?

As you were.
#Superheroes #RandomThoughts

#Protip, kids - take care of your teeth. #RandomThoughts #music #dentistry #TheClash #RIPStrummer

Anywho, watched a documentary on Joe Strummer, & Mick Jones appears pretty often, of course.

Short story long, here’s a clip of Mick from the doc👇👇

GAH!

#RandomThoughts #70s #WonderWoman #CharliesAngels
Farrah Fawcett? Cheryl Ladd?

Bitch, PLEASE. Two words: Lynda. Carter.

I went there.

#RandomThoughts #actors #fashion
Women in hats, amirite??👇😎🙃

Sure, we’ll be rattled when a woman sings “Little Drummer Boy” in a couple of months.

Understood. It’s discombobulating.

The lyrics are from the boy’s perspective, sung by a woman. I GET IT. Let me help you deal.

The singer is telling a story.

You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts

#RandomThoughts #Chicago #Summer #Friday
At long last, I get top billing.👇👇

#RandomThoughts #SongLyrics
Sources tell me we can ride the boogie.

Well? What are you waiting for? LET’S GO.

I’ve decided to be an indie darling.

Yeah. That.
#AsIf #Wut #AGirlCanDream
#RandomThoughts #Friday

How do monocles stay in?

Asking for a friend who’s DESPERATE to switch things up.
#RandomThoughts #Friday #FashionChoices #gomslly

Pretty sure an impartial arbiter would rule the move I just made a “shimmy.”

So, you know - that.
#RandomThoughts #Moves #gomslly #gomslley

“I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish.”

No shit, Morrissey.

NO. SHIT.
#BadTurnOfEvents #music #RandomThoughts #lyrics
Read. 👇 SMFH

#RandomThoughts #Friday
Came outside to hang on my balcony, post-workout.

My chair was occupied by the largest fly since Vincent Price & Jeff Goldblum, for crissake.

Short story long, I’m hanging inside today.

GAH!👇

Shout out to the woman at Jewel, who is cray precise at slicing deli meat to the customer’s specifications.

I ordered 2/3 pound of ham, sliced medium, same for turkey.

Ham, her scale read: .665 lbs. Turkey: .67 lbs.

FIRST. TRY. for both.

Artistry.
#Groceries #RandomThoughts

Still another shout out to The Doobie Brothers, who chose a title for one of their songs that literally could be used for EVERY song ever recorded, and be appropriate.

AND, it was a hit.
#RandomThoughts #music #gomslly #gomslley
👇👇🎶🎶

Sources tell me in sleepy London town there’s just no place for a street fighting man.

Probably why I never lived there.
#lyrics #songwriting #music #RandomThoughts #Friday

#RandomThoughts #CommonSense #Logic #Friday
Okay, fan manufacturers. Explain again to me why the “high” setting is next to the “off” setting? You know, instead of off-low-medium-high, which makes sense.

I’m thiiiiiiisss close to understanding your #gomslly logic.

People, meet me on the corner of Close & Soon.

We’ll tip a few, indulge in some #gomslly.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’re not wearing THAT??

SMTH.
#Commiseration #Gomslley #Alcohol #RandomThoughts
Can’t fucking move this drink without spillage. 👇#LongPourer

The guitar 🎸 work in “Walks Like An Egyptian” by The Bangles is surprisingly meaty. It’s almost a novelty song, for crissake.

Didn’t see that coming.

I went there.
#music #guitarplaying #RandomThoughts #MusicTherapy

Irritated by the automatic door not working at the #grocery store?

Could be worse. It could be opening halfway.
#EverydayLife #RandomThoughts
👇👇😂🙃

“Try pumpkin the brakes in work zones.”

Goddammit. The overhead highway message board is wittier than I am.

#Gomslly as shit.

#Halloween #October #Driving
#RandomThoughts #Gomslley

#RandomThoughts #Caturday #pets #PetSematary #RIPMonster

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th, a full moon, my deceased cat’s birthday, and I’ve been on edge lately.

What happens if I hear scratching at my door?

GAH!!👇👇😩😾

#Salad #Food #RandomThoughts
It’s a poppy seed dressing kinda day.

Anyone can see that.

Stevie Wonder’s “Songs In The Key Of Life” is unquestionably fantastic.

There’s something preventing it from being the perfect album, though.

Every single song is 2 minutes too long, including that one 2 minute song.

I went there.
#music #ClassicAlbums #RandomThoughts

Sooo, anywho, the only streaming service I have is #Hulu.

I’m currently bingeing #TheOuterLimits, #ThePurge, #12Monkeys, #CastleRock, #Bloom, #MaryKillsPeople.

Well, intermittently bingeing.

Good. Times.
#TV #BingeWorthyShows #RandomThoughts

Dearest reader, can I quit my job, come live with you, then find work?

Asking for a friend.
#RandomThoughts #AGirlCanDream

Shout out to Lana Del Rey, purveyor of a very specific brand of ennui that beats a soul down by, say, the 7th song of an album.

Inevitably her albums are 14 songs long. THAT SHIT TAKES A TOLL. #music #RandomThoughts
Lana. LANA. Boo, brevity is your friend.

You’re welcome.

#RandomThoughts #walking #PrinceReference #Nature Dig, if you will, the picture - ducks fucking relax, chill, enjoy themselves, despite being saddled with bills.

(cough)

Oyster crackers are criminally underrated.

I went there.
#IndisputableTruth #Food #Soup #RandomThoughts #OysterCrackers

Western Avenue, south side of #Chicago.👇👇

#StreetArt #RandomThoughts #Driving

#RandomThoughts #booze #hanging #musictherapy

My #bartender is a cray #LongPourer, 👇singing “Suddenly, Last Summer” by The Motels as he works.

We bonded over the groovy reality that The Motels are a #TwoHitWonder.

Without looking it up, WHAT’S THEIR OTHER HIT, BITCHES??

Pretty close to completing my Time Machine. Exciting times.

The plan: travel to the time when Van Gogh cut off his own ear, play Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck In The Middle With You” as he does the deed.

Note to self: make sure the capsule is free of bugs.

SMTH.
#RandomThoughts

I’m totally with Hues Corporation.

We’d like to know where you got the notion.

SPEAK UP, BITCHES.
#music #70s #musictherapy #RandomThoughts

Cauliflower is the vodka of vegetables. Vodka is the Switzerland of hard liquor.

As you were.
#truth #gomslly #food #gomslley #RandomThoughts #booze #neutrality

How are Katherine & Audrey Hepburn not related?

Hepburn ain’t Smith, amirite?
#actors #movies #gomslly #RandomThoughts

Humphrey Bogart, Bruce Springsteen - don’t understand the appeal. Never have.

And saxophone in rock, AND in #movies, is, and always has been, RUB. BISH.

I went there.
#music #movies #RIPTowerRecords #RandomThoughts

Ordered 1/2 chicken/broccoli, 1/4 bacon/broccoli, 1/4 chicken/onion pizza.

At this moment, I’M THE COOLEST BITCH IN THE UNIVERSE.

Yeah. That.
#food #dinner #truth #RandomThoughts #diningout

Life not going well, boo? Mayhaps you should change things up.

Open your mind. Hear me out.

You can’t spell “Satan” without “stan.”

Go forth. You’re welcome.
#RandomThoughts #Religion #FridayThoughts #Satan

#RandomThoughts #walking #StreetArt #PublicSpaces
Park in #Chicago’s Uptown neighborhood.👇👍😎

Ever have a rough 2 days on a weekend, finally driving home, remember you have no food, grocery shop, get home, too lazy to make food, so you pour a martini instead, and that is literally your dinner?

Yeah. Neither have I.
#RandomThoughts #Sunday #Weekend #alcohol

My recent acting auditions haven’t gone as desired. Need a kickstart.

May change my stage name to Meryl Strep.

Feels right.
#clueless #wut #acting #RandomThoughts #gomslly #SundayFunday

Crispin Glover acts in “Hot Tub Time Machine,” but not “True Romance.”

Pray tell, how did this happen?

Fucking nonsense.
#Movies #Actors #Monday #RandomThoughts #gomslly

The best work of Eric Clapton’s career was on The Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” & John Lennon’s “Cold Turkey.”

I went there.
#truth #music #Clapton #RandomThoughts #musictherapy

#Protip, people - if you find a #barkeep who is a long pourer, AND allows you to creep back your age each time you talk, TIP THEM WELL.

A rare breed, are they. #DorothyParkerReference #truth #RandomThoughts #Tuesday